More Explaining

See I’ve been poor and hungry before, and my freelancing pays most of the bills.  Climbing up from the bottom is tough and I’ve had to sacrifice things alone the way.  I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that my mom hasn’t changed after everything that’s happened.  When I was a kid I always assumed that she was like me and planned everything out and that she had a backup for when things went wrong, I remember when we moved my senior of high school and thinking things would be better.  Then I had to drop out of college cause we didn’t have enough money, it was one of many times I would drop out for various things.  I ate macaroni and cheese cause thats what I could afford.  You always expect your parents to look out for you or least take care of themselves.  My story is very complicated to say the least, but I was hoping that I didn’t have to bail her out.  Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enjoy Christmas, I mean there’s too many bad memories attached that everytime I see a tree or hear Christmas music I’m just going to get reminded of the bad times.  One day I’ll be married and have kids, and I’ll have to learn how to fake being happy at the holidays.  Things with C I think worked out for the best, I’ve got way too many problems to even entertain a relationship for a long time.  I need to focus on work, and maybe one day I’ll be able to focus on me.  I had to give up my youth and not do the things most people my age have done just so I could stay alive or keep food on the table.  I know complaining doesn’t help and what’s done is done, but I have issues.  I never went to any of my high school proms, not because I couldn’t have gotten a date (11th grade I couldn’t have gotten one, but maybe 12th), but mainly because I could afford to rent a tux.  I never went on a senior trip, or went to spring break.  Now I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m expected to be a serious adult that wants to settle down.  I never had a chance to wild and crazy, and settling down would just be admitting that I lose and I let it beat me.  I wanted to be young and carefree and what I got was to grow up really fast and act like an adult.  I know people, other people have it rough too.  I didn’t have the money to go out on my 21st birthday drinking and get wasted.  I didn’t have the money to blow on expensive drinks that I could make cheaper at home and money for a cab ride home and one to go pick up my car; well that was out of the question.  It’s not that life is hard, it’s that I missed out things that even people with crappy lives get to have.  I guess the whole money issue is just the tip of a much bigger problem.  I’m not happy where I live and I want to move.  I have some business plans that could work, but it’s hard to get motivated when you’ve got other problems on your mind.  I have to be a full time student, work, and run a household.  It would be one thing if I didn’t have to take care of my mom, but I can’t even take a girl back to my place; because my mom will criticize and let’s face I don’t want to have sex if I know she’ll hear it.  Basically I have to sacrifice my life to keep hers running and sometimes it’s hard.

No Christmas Presents for Me Again

Well I had planned to buy myself a bluray burner for Christmas and maybe the Chuck season 1 bluray box… but thats not going to happen.  Basically I have to give what little money I have to mom, ironically so she can buy me a present and pay some other bills, cause she didn’t keep track of what she was spending this month.  I had planned to pay the cable and internet, but that will get pushed back a month, of course that means I’ll have a 100 less next month.  Plus I have a doctors deductible to fullfill in January so I’ll basically have nothing left over in January either.  I thought money might be tight and maybe thought that I’d have like $40 to spend on my self maybe for some Makezine kits or just something so I don’t feel like a complete loser.  Yeah I’m back to hating Christmas and wanting it just to end.  So I’ll be missing out again, plus the whole caroling thing is rapidly approaching; which that serves as another reminder of why I hate this time of year.  Its not like its the first time life has been crap, the only thing I’ve even eaten today is a family size bag of steam corn.  So I’m hungry and there’s no food, plus the little tradition I use to have of buying myself something is of course blown out of the water.  This is why writing is so difficult for me, you can’t think about writing when you’re poor and hungry.

Strange Evening Indeed

So I talked to D(old friend and he’s male) and I talked about old times.  He’s not a close friend he use to be, but then he said something bad when he thought I wasn’t in the room and I don’t exactly trust him anymore.  I guess you could say I stay close for a chance at revenge.  I also spent sometime looking people up on facebook.  The nice thing is since the privacy settings changed there’s so much info that’s been made public, so I can really delve into people’s past.  Then I was looking for L….  I couldn’t find her facebook, but I know shes on Myspace; so I messaged her.  I know I shouldn’t have but I was feeling homesick, so I thought what the hell.  I sent off this long message and ranted on, it felt good.  L is the only woman who my mother ever approved of… it says a lot I know.  L was the first girl that I ever really felt in love with.  The relationship has had a lot of baggage, but a while back we made up.  I think we’re both in different places.  Normally I won’t even consider a woman with a kid, but her well she’s different.  I’ve never met a woman who could even come close to L.  I have such high standards I know, but I guess part me compares every woman to L.  I guess I’ll get an email today or tomorrow… most likely right now when I check my messages.

No Response from C what a Surprise

Yeah I know like what I surprise.  Since she hasn’t removed me from the event, I’m guessing she just has my mail forwarded to trash.  At least I have the pleasure of knowing that I RSVP’ed and having people not know who I am and asking “hey where is that guy we don’t know who RSVP’ed?”  Sometimes its the simple pleasures in life that keep you going.  At one point I thought about seducing her sister, cause she has a big phobia that her sister is better than her.  I do wonder what C told her sister when they talked about the message I sent.  These past several past weeks have shown how a guy that just sleeps with women for sex and lies to them just to get it… is born.  I still don’t know if I’m there or not.  I’m different to say the least.  I still want the girl of my dreams, but I’m going to be way more careful from now on.  I guess there were warning signs to her unstable nature, but even though I felt something was off; I didn’t listen.  I took almost 6 years to come close to say “I love you”, and it will most likely be another 6.  It would be funny to know where I’d be in 6 years.  My allergies are starting up again….

Christmas Might be Dead

Ever since I moved a few years back and since I didn’t have very many friends as a result of it, I buy myself Christmas Presents.  I’ve sort of hit that age where most of my friends from high school are either jealous of me or they just plain don’t want anything to do with me.  I know it happens, with time most friendships don’t last.  I just always imagined that I would be long gone from here and moved on to some other city and getting to start over and meeting new people… but I’m still here.  So I have this tradition of buying myself stuff since otherwise I might get like one thing from one person, if even that.  I told you I was messed up.  It didn’t happen over night and it wasn’t tragic, that’s a lie it was, but I hope it changes one day.  This year I was hoping to get myself a bluray player… really wanted one.  Although it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen since I don’t have much money left over this month.  I wasn’t even going to buy a nice standalone since I have a crappy old tv, but I wanted one for my computer (cause that's the nicest screen I own and the desk chair is the comfiest chair I own).  I’ve never had much family or the type of friends who bought me gifts for Christmas, so I’ve never really understood the buying frenzy that happens this time of year.  It’s not like I have these unreal expectations of getting something super nice, it’s just I never really get anything; hence the buying myself something.  Then I have the whole C reminder of that caroling thing, and the fact that I’m not going and I’m not with her anymore.  So it’s another big nail in the coffin of Christmas Cheer for me.  I don’t get or understand the part about families getting together during the holidays cause I never had that, for me it’s just another normal day.  I have boxes of stuff I could go through maybe I’ll find something I forgot about, so maybe I can have faux christmas presents.  I don’t want to sound petty, but when people complain that they had a horrible Christmas, that the people gave them something horrible or that they didn’t even try… well you don’t know lack of trying until you don’t get anything… not even a Christmas Card.

My Email Went Unheard

C is a bit of geek so there’s no way she didn’t read the email, or she forwarded all messages from me to the trash… so I’m ignored either way.  I almost went two weeks and I thought that I was okay… then a I get message from her.  Yeah I was up most of the night and the whiskey helped me sleep.  It took almost 6 years to tell someone that I was ready to tell them I loved them.  I didn’t think it would ever happen again and when I was finally ready and comfortable enough to say it… the walk of shame happens.  I’ve been playing Finley Quaye “Dice” every time I check my mail, it’s the song that sort of fits the mood.  Part of me really want her to have her back, but I guess it really is gone.  With V I had to wait years for closure and what if’s in my head; with C I got it within two weeks.  I guess it takes care of all of those what if’s in my head, but it still hurts.  Being the good guy isn’t all that great for the good guy. 

Dexter Shocker

I was shocked by Dexter….  I’ll leave it at that if you haven’t seen the season finale.  I keep checking for an email from C.  Yeah, its a complete sign that I’m damaged.  Part of me wants her back, and part of me at least wants her to want me back.  I don’t expect it, but this has to be the ultimate sign that I’m damaged as a person.  I want someone who wanted someone else more, or worse just used me for sex.  A part of me this week just wanted to screw every woman I could find, but I have to resist.  I shouldn’t let C be the straw that breaks my metaphorical camels back.  The only good thing about this whole experience is that I now know that I have a problem and that it’s bad.  For so long I tried to ignore it and thought that after I established myself I could go on and be normal.  I do need my safe haven and it’s going to be awhile before I’m there.  Miami sounds nice.  I think once I cut off my beard and cut my hair, C wouldn’t recognize me if I stood right next to her.  Even in a huge city like this, every now and again you do run into people you know.  I still have the parking pass from that horrible night.  I put the thing into a ziploc bag… I’ll probably frame it.  It comes with bad memories, but I want to keep it so I’ll remember and think things through more thoroughly next time I meet someone.  Now I can’t sleep and I’m watching tv… I wonder how little I’ll sleep tonight?

One More Note About C

I also told her that I don’t expect a response back….

An Email to C

I sent C an email telling her there were no hard feelings.  I told her that I would have sent her a message on Facebook, but she blocked me, so I emailed her.  I told her that I was okay and that I understood her situation, but if she could remove me of the invite thing so I don’t get anymore automated messages.  Even though I got treated so bad, part of me would even take her back; that’s just a sign of how emotional damaged I am… see I told you.  I actually doubt that she’ll get it, she probably has my mail automatically forwarded to spam or the trash folder.  She even blocked me on the im messenger, so it wouldn’t surprise me.  I feel like I’m not making much sense right now, just ranting on.  I told her about her dumping me like that and the whole carolling thing, was just another nail in the coffin for why I’m not much for Christmas (hey I should at least get one shot in… she loves Christmas).  I think its going to be a long time before I open up to someone like that again and never again will I be so open like that so quickly.  I think I’ll have a glass of Whiskey.

Heart Just Skipped a Beat

Currently Listening: Finley Quaye – Dice

The song just feels right for the moment and my stomach is still sour.  I just got a message on Facebook from C… yeah I feel light headed.  I’m not quite ready to read it.  Will it be bad like I’m a piece of shit or the list of what's wrong with me?  Will it be she came to her senses?  I feel like I could puke, or it could just be the caroling thing she wanted me to do.  It’s got to be some automated message for the carols thing, she blocked me so I think she just never deleted me and I can’t respond how wonderful.

Me and Preston Ponders

For a long time I’ve tried to be like everyone else.  I’ve tried college (its still the backup plan if everything goes wrong), I’ve tried having a normal job, and I’ve tried having a normal relationship; I’ve failed at all of them.  The fact is, is that I can never be normal because I’m not.  I’m not the guy who gets married, has kids and lives in the suburbs, and works 9 to 5… I’m the guy that you read about in the paper who’s done something amazing and unforgettable.  I’m the guy who makes your life just a little bit easier, because I risk my life to make the world better.  I’m not saying that I’m some super spy or that I hold the world in my hands.  It’s just that I can’t except the world for the way it is, I want it to be better than it is.  I’ve risked my life to do what I thought was right and while most people may never know it; I do, and for me at least, it helps to keep me going.  For too long I’ve tried to keep myself and my secret life separate, but now I know that’s impossible.  I’m not two people, I’m one.  While I look normal, my skill set isn’t exactly something you can pick up in school; and for that reason alone is why I have to be me and finally accept that.  There’s something big on the horizon and it’s been brewing for a while.  At minimum I’ll write myself into the history books for catching a notorious criminal, likes the world has never seen; all the while rewriting the history books in the process.  When the dust settles I’m not quite sure who I’ll be, the only thing I know is that for once it will be all me.

College Over and Out

I’m listening to Phantom Planet “California”, just thought you should know.  I use to be so addicted to the song when “The OC” was on, but like most people I stopped watching after some point.  My stomach feels weird today even though I haven’t eaten anything, wait scratch that… I had Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies for breakfast (food of the gods).  I checked the college bylaws about my situation and they don’t look good.  With the medication I’m on I would be lucky to do a half ass job and even then I would have a 66% of getting kicked out.  Plus the other option isn’t good enough to secure my future.  For me college never quite worked out, it was always that thing that had something get in my way of completing it.  Even thought I’ve had lots of crap happen to me, I still wouldn’t change my past.  Back when I was 18 I was a hopeless idiot (but a smart idiot), I didn’t have dreams and could only think about settling in and getting an average job and having an average life.  Since then I’ve had more weirdness and excitement than most people have in their whole lives.  Sure it’s been rough, but its never been boring; I can do things that most people can only dream of.  I’m the hacker the you see in the movies that could rob a bank and retire on some quiet island.  I don’t because I’ve got morals and a pretty big conscience.  I doubt the rest of my life will be anything close to normal.  Maybe I don’t ever find a girl that I can tell all of my adventures to out of fear she wouldn’t believe me if I did, but these past several years have made me a better person inside and out.

I Just Can’t Believe

The one day that I need to have a working internet connection, I don’t.  This upcoming week is finals and I’m screwed.  The finals aren’t even worth that much, but without a internet connection I can’t get the info I need to complete my missing work.  I know that I should have done this weeks ago, or even doing it when I first heard about it at the beginning of the semester.  I’m so screwed, I figured I could work something out if I turned in everything tomorrow morning along with my notes.  So my long term plans this holiday season apparently are going to include appling to some other schools.  I just hate this and its like nothing is working for me.  Plus I haven’t been able to write this whole semester because of school.  If I could just have the time to write and I could get published, life would be simpler.  Honestly, if I had a book deal going I wouldn’t even be going to school.  People I know that have english degrees typically don’t even work in the field let alone publishing a book; these days most are unemployed.  Then the people who have published books, hell they don’t even have degrees half of the time.  Maybe flunking out cause I was sick is just what I need, who knows.  I’m hoping that I can still salvage this somehow, maybe there is some obscure school bylaw that allows me a do over, or hell maybe the internet will come back on.  I’m writing this now even though I’ve go no available internet connection… posting later. 

Bodies Piling Up

I have multiple im accounts on various services; some are for work and some for pleasure.  You have to have accounts with all of them, because you never know what service a contact uses and having 2 minutes to signup for an account before a potential business opportunity closes isn’t the time.  Most people tend to use one and just one, that’s another reason.  I was going through my lists of buddies and I found quite a lot of them are people that have either stopped using those accounts (cause I never see them logged on) or they have themselves set to invisible to me.  Sure it happens, but almost all of them are ex’s of mine whether they be former friends or girlfriends.  I like to think that people can be friends after they break up, but looking at my buddylist you apparently can’t.  Sure I could delete them and just forget about them, like they have about me.  Although sometimes the screenname is the only thing you have left of a person, some relationships are short and you don’t exactly have anything to remember them by; so a screenname becomes the only memento that you have left of them.  I do use Pidgin at least so I only need one client instead of 4 or 5, plus you can run multiple accounts at the same service; the only downside is that advanced features that are client specific are left out. 

Smoking in Bed

My neighbor has her bedroom right next to mine (we share a wall).  She smokes and sometimes I smell the smoke.  Now at first I didn’t like it, but now I’m like craving a cigarette.  Like on the level of I want it more than sex.

Cold Meetings

So I didn’t go to class today, but not for the reason you might think.  I was watching Burn Notice and an episode came up about Michael meeting a contact cold with no introduction.  The whole thing was inspirational, but yeah I normally never do cold meetings of any kind.  It’s because you don’t know what to expect, but also I didn’t know if I got dropped or if my professors would take the opportunity to yell at my arrogance in class (had that happen once).  I’m normally all about the power play and how to make sure that I’m the one who’s at the advantage… that’s why I didn’t go.  I’m working on or trying to at least my assignments for my Friday class.  I’ve got a simple outline paper and a powerpoint to do… so it's easy stuff.  I was rewatching the Being Erica episode and I just love that quote and the whole “Alice in Wonderland” theme of the episode, plus this quote:

Alice came to a fork in the road.  "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I’m on this whole “Alice in Wonderland” theme, and it’s really inspiring me to pick up the book… I’ve never read it.  Tomorrow I’m ready to be all badass and stuff… seriously.

Chasing Class

So I didn’t go to class today and I was terrified and having multiple panic attacks.  I watched a lot of Burn Notice and I can always watch that, it makes me feel good.  Then I talked with my mom for a few hours about going back to school tomorrow and trying to fix the fact that I haven’t been to class for a month because I was sick.  Afterwards I felt better and maybe I’m still a bit jumpy.  Then I started to watch last night’s Being Erica and it felt like the episode was calling out to me.  I’ve always been in love with “Being Erica” cause it’s like sci-fi and the star Erin Karplunk is just so hot.  Plus afterwards you feel like you learned an important life lesson, but it’s not like screaming in your face.  Over the past two seasons I’ve rewatched the episodes over and over again, and I feel like it has helped… I feel like being honest about my problems and blogging about them has helped (being anonymous helps too!)  Last night’s episode was about her and school and her learning that she has basically made decisions her whole life that made other people happy and putting her happiness second.  Plus the whole starting a business thing, that just echoes my life into levels of weirdness I can’t even begin to describe.  I just feel better now, I love when a show is so well written that it leaves you feeling good.  The 20th is going to be hard, it’s when I was suppose to meet C’s family and go caroling.  Yeah I’m sad about it, and maybe a bit paranoid.  I guess what I’m mad is that I don’t know what C was thinking and that C’s ex planned to stay there for a couple of weeks and leave again.  I guess that if I got a chance to do it over with L or T, I might make the same bad decision.  Maybe the whole thing was a test from God that I’m suppose to learn something about myself and not to look back like I normally do everyday.  I will say that I feel better now about the whole C thing and maybe that’s what was suppose to happen.  Sure we talked for a few days but it was really a one night stand.  It was painful, but I think maybe I can close off that part of my life now and maybe for the first time I can look forward.  Don’t get me wrong I’m still lonely, I’ve got school to worry about, and the future of my writing is still up in the air.  Oh, I almost forget I’m planning on taking a semester off so I can get my whole asthma thing straight and get my backup business plans setup correctly.  For me school has been at least for the past 5 years a backup plan; if it all goes to hell, I’ve got school.  So I need to finish, but I need to make sure I’m ready and that I’m calm and that I’ve got my head in the game.  I’ve tried to go to school before and failed for one reason or another, so it’s important that I can make school a priority for a change, instead of an afterthought.  Every time I write a post whether it’s a sentence or a page long, I feel better.  Even though I don’t expect many people to ever see this, if you’re unsure about something I highly recommend just starting up a blog and writing about whatever you want.  I know I’ve only been doing it for a while and sometimes I don’t write for weeks and then I write like 5 posts in a day; but I’m happier then I was before.  I’m almost sad that I didn’t start doing it earlier.  As for tomorrow I’m still scared, I don’t know how they are going to react, but the worst thing is if I get kicked out for not telling them I was sick and gone for so long; or they don’t give me the semester off, or I just plain flunk out cause I’ve been gone for so long.  It’s not like it’s the only school around and I want a semester off anyway and it’s the perfect time to put in an application for another school.  So I guess what I’m trying to tell myself is that even if it goes bad, it’s not the end of the world; and even if does go to hell, I can always start over.

 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein)

This quote never meant so much to me… till now anyways.

Whoring Myself Out

I started blogging many many years ago (virtually an old timer by tech standards).  I just read Nofirstdate.com and found out the guy who does it won’t be posting anymore unless he get’s a $100 (pay for play… a $100 yields one post).  He’s working on a book and I sort of understand since he’s only made $40 in ads for all of the work he’s done.  It’s understandable and I get it, but there’s nothing worse than starting something and not finishing it.  I guess that’s why I’m blogging on this blog and have no interest in ads.  I can say what I want because there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever find out who I really am, so I can basically say what other people are afraid to… and it feels great.  Overall I’m very happy and this therapy is so great.  Being anonymous and yes I’m anonymous (I’m running through several proxy servers and through the tor network; and on top of that I’m stealing my neighbors wifi… so good luck hunting!)  I have no desire to ever make money off of this site, although I wouldn’t exactly mind writing a book or having the movie rights sold… like you would turn it down if someone wanted to make a movie about your life.  Anyways, I got a few hours of sleep before, so I’m quite awake but I’m very hungry.  There’s nothing to eat and I know I should have eaten at Taco Bell (god I love quesadillas and apple empanadas), and that Mountain Dew Baja Blast is like heaven.

Diet Blogs

So today I rediscoverd diet blogs, it’s not that they’re new to me, it’s just been a while since I looked at one.  It’s weird how I always seem to find the ones with chicks that have a couple of pounds extra and to be honest they’re pretty hot.  Maybe I’m just desperate for someone to love me, other than family.  I would love to have some love me, I forgot what it feels like.  I’ve had this habit of telling the women I shouldn’t have that I love them, and the woman I should have told them and never doing so.  I’m sure it’s karma, but I know the fantasy of women I can’t have; I just get reminded of the quote, “No matter how bad you wanna fuck some body, I can guarantee there’s some guy who’s tried of fucking her”.  I’ve never been the sort of guy obsessed with sex, because sex is that… just sex.  Having someone to hold and cuddle with, to talk your problems over with, that’s why I want to be in a relationship.  I just sort of realized that I’m technically in my mid 20’s and I nearly shit myself when the thought popped into my head.  I don’t really have any friends that are successful in any definition of the word.  I really want a woman to tell me that she loves me, well I can dream at least.

Out to the Movies

A hundred years ago people still went to plays and saw burlesque shows… nowadays we’ve got the movies.  Sure they don’t get the respect that going to the theatre does, but to say one is better than the other is simply the pot calling the kettle black.  TV and Movies brought mass entertainment to everyone, no matter how rich or small.  These days is it even possible to find someone who doesn’t own a tv or a computer?  For me it’s rare to find a movie or a tv show that changes my view on life.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting older and hopefully wiser, but I like to think it’s because of the things I read and things I watch.  Watching the second part of Alice brought me back mentally to a time when things were just simpler.  As a kid I didn’t have much of an imagination and I couldn’t relate with the fact that other kids did.  It was when other kids stopped dreaming that I started to, and since then I’ve never stopped.  The world is more interesting if you don’t accept the black and white regime that society imposes on you, to think there’s something more… it just makes life worth living.  When I watch a great piece of fiction I can almost imagine that I’m there, and that’s why I don’t get reality television.  Well it’s more like I don’t get the people that watch it, it was always my belief that watching TV or reading should be an escape from reality.  I mean who wants to live in reality all day long, and then come home to watch it again on tv.  Seems like that some people are just missing out, or have they just accepted the world as black and white and just don’t dare to dream anymore?

I Wanna Get Married

I have those days where I forget about how hard dating is and what troubles it brings my life and how I just wanna be married sometimes.  I know it’s crazy I can’t even find a woman who isn’t borderline psychotic, but it’s fun to dream.  I finished watching Syfy’s Alice (modern updated alice in wonderland) and it was so good.  I actually cried at the end when the Hatter (not that mad, but a con artist) comes back to Alice… it was very sweet.  It’s the softer side of me that normally attracts the ladies, but I’ve learned that my judgment isn’t always the best.  In a nutshell, if I fancy a girl it’s best to run very fast.  I’ve learned that lists and desires don’t mean anything, plans are for people who haven’t realized the world is random.  I have to run to the doctor in like 10 minutes, but I’m feeling so high right.  I like indulge days like this, because they are rare; and when they happen they need to be embraced and worshiped.  I’m thinking of taking a semester off to get my bearings straight, so I can figure out what I want and plus to fix these nagging problems that I’ve lacked to fix so far.  I do it because I need to have a clear head and for once in my life I just want to think about what I want.  Plus avoiding C’s sister is another, and then there’s R… who after a month thinks I’m long gone, but will see me again Thursday.  You know I’ve never had a steady girlfriend, even with T; we were on and off again so much I could barely keep track.  I’ve always wanted to have a steady relationship.  Someone who’s not going to try and change me, and then I can just be on a equal playing field with.  I’m not looking for a woman to replace my mother, although C in her likeliness of my mother made me realize that I do have issues with my mother.  I want a friend first and a lover second.  I know it will happen, but why does if have to take so long?

One Month Gone

Tomorrow I’ve got to make my case for why I was gone for a month.  I could run and accept this whole semester as loss, and start fresh in 9 months.  I could spend the whole night fixing my problems (no sleep and plenty of coffee) and work out how I’m going to bullshit everything in the morning.  Then there’s the idea of fixing the problems I’ve got and take the next months off to recoup.  None of the ideas are great ideas in themselves and all of them require me losing something.  At the moment my blood is coursing through with plenty of muscle relaxers so what I’m actually capable of at the moment is quite limited.  Now I’m assuming everything that I need is the stuff that I already know about and that their aren’t any surprises around the corner (I’m sure there is).  Now I’m from the old school of thought, when you’ve lost everything, things can’t get much worse… so trying to gain something is better than the option of going away with nothing.  If I wasn’t so drugged up (medication is so wonderful isn’t it?) pulling an all nighter wouldn’t exactly be out of the question… but in this state it’s less than desirable.  Plus lying to cover my tracks has certain disadvantages like unless I pull it off without a hitch, people will want proof.  In every sense of the word… there’s no way I’m not losing something tomorrow.

Through the Looking Glass

So I’ve got my first class in about a month and I’m very nervous.  There’s a competition at school tonight, most schools have something on the weekends to keep students on campus, or at least to try.  They’ve got some singing competition and I was suppose to meet C there.  Her sister and I go to the same university.  I feel like I’m not allowed to attend tonight considering she burned me; even though it’s my school not hers.  Plus I’m not one for school sponsored events, so the odds of me showing up at all would have been slim anyway.  As well as if I don’t show C and her sister will probably keep an eye out for me the whole night.  So if I can at least make her nervous and keep her on edge, it’s worth not going; because the anticipation of pain is worse than the pain its self.  I still feel different today, so my new view on life wasn’t a temporary moment of insanity, or I guess this is my new sanity.  I haven’t been reading my usual news sites for days, so maybe the change has been a while coming, and just needed that little push.  I figure I’ve got a week to fix all my school problems.  I really want to get a book published more now than ever before.  C and her sister both want to be published authors, so if I could get a best seller… I would just love to see their faces, when they found that out.  Even better would be to do a signing here at the bookstore and god it would be wonderful if they showed up to get their books signed… that would be heaven.  I know revenge is petty, but just having C know that she missed out on something big would be nice closure. 

Emails

I really wish I could post all of the emails that I’m talking about, but that of course reveal who I am… maybe one day when I’m sure certain people have forgotten about me.  Well, apparently some have already; but I just want to be safe about it.  When we first started sending emails to each other, I told C that I was listening to “Bad Romance” from Lady Gaga.  She said wow, that’s not romantic at all.  I responded that I love the chorus and her voice in that song.  Ironically, that’s how it turned out to be a very bad romance.  I forget what stage of dealing with loss that I’m currently in, although I will say that I’ve been mood jumping all day.  On the brightside I’ve written more for this blog than I’ve written in weeks.  I actually think C’s sister didn’t block me, but I remember that C had her sisters password and even looked something up for her one time when we were on the phone.  I think her sister generally felt sorry for me.  I will say her sister was pretty hot and the fact that she loved Doctor Who, only made her way more attractive.  It’s a rare thing to find a woman into Doctor Who here in the States.  The ironic part is that I know at least her sister went to the Baltimore Con a few weeks ago.  I almost went to that same con, cause someone I was talking to was planning on going.  Yeah I think my grim reaper costume, that I use in case of a “need of costume emergency” has just had it.  I need to upgrade, but to what?  I was thinking of a Doctor Who costume.  I was planning on doing the 5th doctor, because as that short put it, “not many people can pull off a vegetable” (in reference to the celery stick he wore on his blazer). 

I’m feeling Better

So I got dumped in the worst way possible and I got hit on by a gay guy.  I’m not expecting tomorrow to be all that great either.  I’m at least putting myself back together.  Plus my writing seems to have been on a upsurge.  Having bad experiences never hurts writers or musicians careers… only improves them.  I have some assignments to do for tomorrow and I’m just like maybe I’ll blow them off or something.  I’m at risk for failing the semester cause I was sick for like a whole month, but I had doctors notes for every single class I missed.  I’ve been listening to a band called Frightened Rabbit and their song “Keep yourself warm”.  Basically the line that’s been hitting home to me today is, “You can’t find love in a hole”.  So so right.  Having lots of sex isn’t going to make you happy or feel complete, it’s only going to remind you of what’s wrong, plus C wasn’t very good at it either.  On the bright side she told me last night that I was good at getting her off with my finger, so I guess all didn’t go so bad. 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein)

Wrong Problem

It’s always nice to know that if I was gay, I could do very well.  I just had a guy hit on me.  I don’t care what people do, it’s their own personal business. I just get uncomfortable, I mean really uncomfortable when a guy hits on me.  Plus how do you respond to that, I mean I don’t want to be rude, it just shocks me sometimes.  I’m friendly and I like to start conversations when other people would be uncomfortable.  So yeah, it’s not the first time it’s happened and I guess I should be flattered.  Although I’m grossed out by it.

Why I don’t tell family about new relationships

I actually told my mom quite bit about c last night, and she asked if I was going out to see her again tonight.  This is one of those times I just want to lie and have to really.  I can either make my mom think I’m cold bastard or think that I’m a loser.  I saw an ad on rants and raves that has only a few details that are different from me.  Me it’s that answer that I wanted so badly.  From this day on I can be celibate to I’m married, that is if I ever can learn to trust women again; or I wake up one day as just another womanizer.  Either way I’m not the same guy and I don’t I can ever get that back.  I have to move on, without real closure.  Maybe it makes me a better writer, cause you always hear about pain for making a good writer whether it’s books or music.  Part of me now just wants to be famous, so that on the off chance C might see my book on the shelve or come to a book signing… so she can see what she lost.  I think in the end I was naive to think the way I do.  Most people kid themselves that good looks aren’t the most important thing, but they are, most people just can’t admit it.  I lowered my standards and I still got trashed.  I already feel myself closing off to the person I once was.  I’m not sure which road I’ll end up on.  Most likely I’m going to be celibate for a very long time, but I’m pretty sure that will change once I’m completely happy with myself… the womanizer will be born.  Women are even worse than men, they just whine more about it so you think its only the mens fault.  Whatever doubts that I had about wanting a real close relationship are gone.  I guess in a way I can thank her setting my conscience free, I was always concerned about how other people saw me; now I don’t really care at all.  I think I can for once freely focus on my goals without having loneliness getting in the way.  I have eat much of anything in days, I couldn’t eat cause I was so happy; now I just want to rub my success in her face.  The hard part now is lying to my mother, she’s one of those people who can read me no matter what.  My life is totally different now, I’m sure I can focus on what needs to be done, I don’t sleep so much or haven’t been lately.  I feel like I can do what I wasn’t strong enough to do before.  Maybe that’s good or bad, I’ll eventually find out.  People who’ve focused on their careers think they’ve always might have the wrong path, but in reality now I think they’re the truly wise ones.  I use to want a really intelligent woman, now dumb and blonde.  I’ve never had good taste in women and my judgment has always been bad.   I’m a new man.

C and Not Me

So I emailed C’s sister and you know it was one of those things that maybe I shouldn’t have done.  I figured all ties would just get broken anyway, and I want to make sure she was okay.  If I couldn’t maybe she could.  Instead both of them blocked me on facebook.  This of course of was after she sent me an email saying that she would look into it, but instead I wanted to respond back and found the blocking.  She’s like this is not like her and that she would look into it.  I must have done something so horrible, just to get dropped like this.  Her sister even seemed optimistic that we might even still have a chance.  I almost considered it and then I went to click on her profile to reply… link forwarded to my own page.  Gee, I feel like pure shit.  I’m mad that I wasted all this time on her and that I put really important things off for her, but I’m also sad that not only was this other guy she broke up not good enough for her… neither was I.  I know I’m charming and I can lie with ease when need be, but I’ve never used to them to manipulate people.  Now I’m actually considering it,  for the first time in my life I understand guys who just sleep around and dont care about the people they actually hurt.  Women are just the same.  I was such a good guy and this whole has changed me.  I’m not the same person that I was yesterday, hell I don’t even want the same things as yesterday.  What I do want is to shove my success up those two aholes ass’s.  I was so worried about making a good impression, C must have told her sister something so horrible that I was like a threat to their safety.  Honestly I think that’s what it was that maybe she said something along those lines like she just slept with me to get rid of me or something.  That I was horrible or something about me was.  Sometimes I want to be successful in life for me, sometimes it's cause I want to rub it in peoples faces… this is one of those times.  I could become a monk after this encounter, it was that bad.  I will honestly say that I’m going to be completely celibate from now on, and if I ever have sex again it will be when I’m married.  Either that or I lose some weight gain a lot of muscle, and bang anything with a vagina in sight.  Today I’m different and while I’m stronger than yesterday, I’m not sure if the old me would have wanted to be friends with the new me.  What could be so horrible?

Worst Night of My Life

So I spent the past few days talking to C and even lapsed on homework that I was suppose to do.  We had this thing planned for saturday and it was going to be special.  I thought I was falling in love again.  She talked me into coming over, our sex got interrupted several times and then she got a phone call that her ex was back in town.  I know it sounds all movie-esque and everything… but sadly this guy’s a wandering moron.  I had to do the walk of shame… I felt bad.  She had promised that if I came over and had sex I could stay the night.  Instead I had to get in the car and drive for several hours.  I wasted most of my evening, plus I have class that I normally get up for at 5am.  I have to lie a lot, my past isn’t something I’m always proud of.  I hated having to gather my clothes up and leave.  After I took over two hours to get home, I showered and then I sent an email to her.  I told her that it was okay and that we could work it out… that we could be a team.  This was the night after sex, that we were going to cuddle and I was going to hold her in my arms and say that I love her.  Instead I got back that this guy is the reason she broke up with her last boyfriend.  Basically from what I understand is that he’ll be gone in two weeks.  The other night she told me how lonely she was and basically described the symptoms of serious depression.  Yet she goes back to this guy and says that hes the love of her life.  I feel like that scene in Angel when Angel sleeps with Darla and he wakes up with an epiphany that he has to change his life and not go down this dark road.  For me it’s that I took two years to start dating again, and it’s over in less than a course of a week.  I feel like that I’m not really that good enough.  I’m a good guy and I’ll give second chances even when I shouldn’t; but this is the reason why good guys like me become the guys that just sleep around and don’t care about any woman's feelings.  I feel like crap and that I’m not good enough for someone that I opened my heart to and I thought she felt that way too.  I told my mom about her, and about how wonderful she is and how she can cook and do this and that.  Now I have to make up some lie as to why I won’t be seeing her anymore.  I even added her to my 5 faves in tmobile cause we talked so damn much it would have eaten up my phone bill.  I realize that I was right to focus on my career and not on a relationship.  People will use you and hurt you and honestly I’ve never really met anyone who hasn’t abused me in some way.  It’s the type of night that I just want to drink away, but I’ve got class in 4 hours and I can’t miss them and I have to sit there and just take it while my life crumbles to pieces again.  I put off papers that I needed to write because I was just so happy that I spent all my time talking to her.  With almost dying several times and feeling like your life was almost over isn’t as bad as I feel now.  I’m going to focus on what I want (my career) and school and getting in shape.  I’ve always wanted six pack abs and I’m not doing it so I can abuse women and throw them out, like just what happened to me.  I just want to do something for me.  I opened up to her and told her stuff I had never told anyone before… but I’m just “nice”.  I’m shocked and in pain and I have to go on with my day like nothing happened.  I lost all my friends cause I moved up here, and now I’m truly alone.  I have to make some serious changes in my life and start living it better.  I don’t think or if I do ever open up again, that it’s going to be a very long time or if ever I go and open myself up like that again. 

Deserving

Whatever comes of this I got myself here, I may have had a gun to my head… but even then there are choices.

C Again

I’m sure she has to think I’m a total whanker.

C Responded

I know I should just read it, but I can’t. Sometimes I hate having computers everywhere in life.

Checked my Email Again

I checked it again.  Part of me wants some miracle to happen and for everything to be okay.  The fact is if it was meant to be, there would be something like a response back telling my crazy and stupid I am for thinking like this.  I guess my gut instinct was right and she couldn’t over look my flaws.  I think what hurts is that she thought I was awesome and talking with her last night convinced her of that.  It convinced me that it wouldn’t work.  I had this fear before I sent the email that I wouldn’t get a response and it appears to have been confirmed.  When it comes to love it’s better to minimize the pain when you know that you're going to get hurt.  Hey Mr. Whiskey bottle, you say you’ll never leave me… aww thank you Mr. Whiskey Bottle.  This is why I stay off of the market, you can’t get hurt if you don’t play.

Happiness

I’m not expecting a response cause I believe her past relationships and what the guys were like is testimony to the fact that we couldn’t work.  I lost myself when T left me and I plunged into that deep dark hole and I never thought I would recover.  Maybe I’m afraid of that happening again, hell maybe I really do love C and this in the short time we’ve talked.  Life is short and she deserves a guy that has everything she wants and that’s not me.

I think C was on Facebook When I logged on

I left a message that I just left the most awesome woman ever, because she can do a hell of lot better than me, or something of that nature.  I feel like crap, but pain makes good writing and I’m sure there’s a book in all of this; most likely a one timer, not a series.  I think she might have been on facebook, but I logged off before she could send me an im.  Maybe I’m a coward for giving her up, but if you care about someone you want to see them happy… even if it’s not with you.

The End of C

So this girl I’ve been chatting online with, I actually thought it would end several days ago; but I have a feeling it will now.  She told me about the guys she normally dates and let’s say I don’t really fill the requirements and I prefer to leave it at that.  So I sent her what some people might call an ultimatum letter, I told her that I basically don’t want to be her regret because she settled.  I pretended that I was okay with it and that she should move on and find a guy she's more compatible with; honestly I’m heart broken, but “C’est La Vie”.  Until I fix the problems that hang over my head I’m never going to be happy like I want to be.  I wrote the letter after we finished chatting last night and I spent all day thinking about it.  I think that I was maybe starting to fall for her, she was pretty damn perfect.  Although, she deserves not to settle and find a guy that has everything she wants, for now that’s not me.  If there ever was a time for a drink… it’s now.

Job Application for a Date

Where I live isn’t the best place to find a date for a complicated guy like me.  I like a woman who drinks wine, reads, knows little pop culture (but not obsessed), and passions with goals in life.  In southern Pennsylvania, what I got was women who hunt, fish, smoke, don’t drink wine but cheap beer, and the only thing they read they claim to read is the bible (not interested in helping the poor and sick, because you know Jesus was all about tort reform and tax credits for people who make a lot of money).  Eventually I’ll learn to accept that, but for now what I’ve got is a woman who I’ll probably loose contact with in the next couple of days.  Women around here (which is why I read the personals for a good laugh) even state they want a guy who’s financially secure.  My question is why is that okay for a woman to openly ask that, but if a guy does that he’s a gigolo?  I even read that one woman wanted a guy with a good credit history.  To me, it sounds more like a robbery than a relationship.  I mean if you have to go through all that, you might as well get a hooker (plus a hooker will do things a girlfriend won’t).  Think about how much money you spend on a date and how many dates it takes just to have sex once (let’s assume 3 date rule).  You can get a pretty good hooker for 300 an hour, plus she leaves when you’re done.  Rich men can afford the high class escort clubs that make sure they’re clients don’t get caught on a cop raid; poor men go to street corners where they will definitely get caught eventually.  Plus cops don’t raid the high class clubs where judges and their bosses go.  If the women I date look at it as a financial transaction, I should too.

Steamed Corn

For lunch I had one of those microwave steam bags of corn, it was wonderful.  I mixed in 2 tablespoons of butter for the whole family size bag, then I ate it out of a large pyrex measuring cup, and it was awesome.  I could eat one of those bags everyday for lunch.  I really only eat 2 meals a day and having steamed corn everyday sounds nice; also its super easy to heat up.  I feel better today, and I finished watching Chuck and again it was awesome.  I always use to have this list about the type of woman I thought I would end up with in the end.  I like to think most people whether they’ll ever admit it or not; think about their future spouse and what they’ll be like.  After watching Chuck I feel like my life has been opened up and idea of a cute polish girl (the actress who plays sarah walker is polish) being my wife or even if my wife is from a different country seems okay now.  It never was before, and I always thought I’d marry a girl from the motherland.  I’d say what country, but it might lead to someone figuring out who I am so I won’t.  All of sudden my wall of limits has been pushed out of the way a little bit and I feel more open to what could happen and who I think I could be happy with.  With V, I had that problem; we were both two very different people and she didn’t mind.  She didn’t care one bit who I was and what my family was like, she openly said she loved me and I responded back with “I like you too”.  I regret that day, and even though I did reconnect with her for a little bit a while back; she’s different and I’m different.  I know that ship has sailed.  She has a child and is now in a relationship… not with me of course.  I was immature then about what I was willing to accept and a part of me thought I was settling when I wasn’t… I was getting an upgrade.  I finally feel like I’ve learned something from that moment.

Too Far

I remember a few years ago, TLC had all these figurines that were like jokes and I forgot what the promotion was about.  They had this one of a woman typing away on a computer pounding away a bottle of merlot with the other hand; the caption read “Merlot and Email don’t Mix”.  I may have done something stupid…. I put an ad on craigslist, I normally only look for fun and sometimes it puts me in a good mood, cause well people are strange and funny and the things they want to sell or the requests (wanted) can just make me fall on the floor laughing.  I put an ad out, I don’t know why since I know Craigslist is heavy comprised of bots and other scams.  Most of the responses I got were junk and the spam filter quickly picked them and out discarded them, a couple of others it missed, and one, well it was legit.  The girl sounds awesome, but I may have been drunk and told about one of my side projects.  Yeah I know I’m hoping to push her off. 

The Writing is Helping

After several days of writing and even though it felt like pure dribble to me, it’s apparently helped.  I’ve never really been one for talking out my problems, mainly because I’ve never really had someone who I trusted enough.  Sure there were times my life when I had a lot of friends, but now I’m older and I can count the people I trust on one hand and the people with life… well they don’t exist anymore.  It’s a big part of getting older, losing people that you use to trust; because they either betrayed you or they’re not around anymore for whatever reason.  Talking helps, no matter how independent or how much of a lone wolf you portray yourself to be, we all need social activities. 

Why is it So Hard!

I mean I’ve gone years with no problems, and all of sudden I’ve got these crazy love sick feelings and I don’t even have a crush at the moment.  R is like the only remote possibility and I’ve been mia for over a month, so that bridge is burned.  On second thought I remember having a few problems last year around holiday time.  The only smart thing I’ve heard Carson Daly say was way back when he said on TRL that valentines day is great if you got somebody, but it sucks balls if you’re alone.  I think maybe I should start working out, maybe that will help take my mind off of it.

Cache of Love

I hide myself.  Honestly, I want a relationship so bad, but I know I can’t.  Some part of me keeps thinking that if I write out like several times, I might become more okay dealing with what I have to do.  I’m suppose to be working this holiday and I’ve got a ton of paperwork; plus several side projects that I’ve been delaying for about as long as I could have.  After all of my posts yesterday I started thinking about how much I want to have someone in my life (a woman), and then I started watching Chuck again.  I just feel so close to the character of Sarah Walker, she has her work that engulfs her life and she isn’t allowed to have a personal life.  I just felt a kinship that made me feel better, I know the show is fiction, but it’s nice to know Hollywood is looking to non typical characters, so that people feel like they have a connection with the people on the show.  I started to think about how long it would take before I could start having a normal life again… one year minimum.  I had counted just a few years ago that 3 to 4 years was most likely, but if I really worked hard… I could retire in a year.  If anyone reads this thank god that you don’t have a life like me, if you do I understand.  One thing life has taught me is that there’s always someone out there who’s got it as the same as you.

Crap about Girlfriends

Now in general when a relationship ends, typically all the bad stuff comes to light.  Whether or not he or she snores, who hogs the bed, and in general really meaningless crap like that.  Women also like to change men, most of the time the big plans they have for us fail.  Although women typically don’t get the credit for the good stuff they do, just the bad.  Most divorced men are likely to say their ex’s played a big part in killing their big plans and dreams.  While this is true a lot of times, what isn’t said is that even though two people may hate each other, the woman really did want to help the guy do his best and succeed.  Women are really good at settling when they don’t have to and men are really good at dreaming even when they shouldn’t be.  Like Ying and Yang, each side has it’s good points.  Most guys if you let them would wallow around in their own filth and not really give it a second look.  When women show up on the scene they like to get rid of crappy furniture and get the guy into nice clothes.  Women see men as investments, any guy can be improved on whether she’s just looking for him to be average or look like a million bucks.  Women really don’t get credit for all of this and this is why when the relationship is over they’re so pissed when some other women comes on to the scene to enjoy the spoils of all of her hard work.  Men on the other hand want a woman who’s polished and fine, basically a good girl that acts like a pornstar in bed.  Men don’t really want to fix a woman, mainly due to the fact that women don’t really change (sound familiar?).  Men want the finished product and not the raw materials.  This is where a woman can strike gold and a man can strike out.  Women look at relationships like investments that take years to mature, while men just want to go out and pick up the latest gizmo no matter how much the inflated price.

6am

I finally went to bed a little after 6am and got woken up 30 minutes past 10, I know… the beginnings of a wonderful day.  Overall I spent most of the day planning my schedule for the next week and it was a pretty boring day. I came up on the episode of Chuck that’s in 3D and I did try to locate some 3D glasses.  I found some dealers online and couldn’t really nail down a store in the area that would sell them.  I heard about dollar general and some others like that might hold some promise and that maybe just maybe Toys R Us might have them.  It’s not like stores just advertise that they sell them.  Most of what I read basically implied that I might have to buy some cheap toy just to get them included.  One thing is for sure is that you get really weird looks being a guy in his mid 20’s alone in a kids toy store.  Last time I needed something that I could only get from a toy store, I got lots of weird looks from the parents with the kids; but on the bright side, the staff was very helpful to get me the hell out of there.  I’m sure people complained about the suspicious guy wandering around the store that didn’t seem to have a kid.  It use to be someone could walk into a toy store and buy something without having everyone think he’s a child abductor or someone off of Americas Most Wanted; then again times have changed and not for the better.  People are more paranoid now then they’ve ever been; it’s great for keeping people alert about whats going on around them, but bad for civil liberties.  Then again as former President Bush put, if you’ve got nothing to hide then you’ve got nothing to fear.  It use to be this was a horrible phrase to use in an argument; but these days its still the line that will give the side whos willing to use it, the quickest victory. So most likely I’m just going to start and resume watching Chuck without the glasses cause theres no way I’m waiting over a week (always got to count holidays and weekends into delaying an online order) for some 3D glasses just so I can watch that glorious episode of Chuck in 3D. 

Houses

Okay, watching House didn’t exactly make me feel better.  I’ve come to expect that every song worth listening to is about love, sex, or having lost one or the other.  I understand the overall goal of a show is to eventually hookup the main character and have them be happy… unless they get cancelled which leaves it basically hanging with no real closure.  That said for fun and I know that someone who complains about trying to not have a relationship, but in reality is starved for one shouldn’t be looking on craigslist claiming its just for fun.  I ran across this one ad and I quote “has to be decent looking, job, licence, car and a place or working on getting one”, granted the qualifications don’t exactly set the bar too high, but I do sort of feels sorry for her.  Hell, when I read this personal ads I feel sorry for all of these people… in one or another they are all damaged like me.  You can see it in their photos that they post in the ads most people look depressed, lonely, and slightly suicidal.  I know these people don’t exactly arrive at that point overnight, but that’s why I don’t do one night stands; because I don’t want to contribute to the problem.  Also a lot of women that post ads on craigslist have kids, and there are not a lot of guys who are willing to put up with that, which I do feel sorry for them.  On the other hand I understand the guys not wanting to have to raise some other guys kids and having to deal with the problem daddy when he does show up.  It happened to me once I thought I’d give this woman a chance and on taking her back to her place I meet her ex (and her baby daddy) waiting outside for us to come home.  I felt sorry for her and thought no guy wants to put up with this, no guy should have to.  Maybe down the line if the guy knows the girl a little bit better, but not on the first date.  On the other hand if a guy has a kid, he tends to be a chick magnet, and women tend to eat that kind of stuff up because it shows that he “steps up” and takes care of it “like a man”.  I know women reading this think my observation of the problem is whats wrong with the world; but it’s not my world, it’s just how it works.  Men think differently from women.  Women like the bad boys, but when they finally get tired and want the nice guy, having a kid with the bad boy and the good guy having to put with it isn’t what the good guy really deserves.  This is why some women who’ve made the wrong choice and want to change can’t, plus a good guy doesn’t deserve and shouldn’t have to put with being a second choice.  To sum it all up, the bad boy gets the girl in her prime and the girl expects the good guy to clean it all up after her spirit is broken.

P.S. women don’t be shocked when a good guy answers your personal online, bad boys pick girls up in bars and everywhere they can.  Good guys typically get whats left and are normally quite shy, so don’t expect to find a wild and dangerous guy online via craigslist.

Destroying Someone’s Life

Have you ever felt like you destroyed someone's life, just by not being there to help them when they needed it?  Some clarification would help,  my ex’s life went down hill after I left her.  I mean it’s not my fault she made the choices she made, but if we had stayed together her kid would be my kid and her life wouldn’t be the shithole that it is.  Ironically as much as I talk about love and finding the one, I did twice.  The first one L was perfect for me in everyway, and hell my mom was almost planning the wedding.  L’s life is one of those stories that would make for a great straight to tv movie (sorry it’s not blockbuster material, but interesting enough).  I was the guy that L didn’t like till her friends turned on her and I welcomed her into my clique.  Sure at first she was using me I’m sure, but I was the guy that most people liked whether they wanted to admit it or not.  We were around each other all the time and even though we never had sex, everyone thought we were fucking like bunny rabbits.  It was nice to have everyone think I was getting laid with an ex cheerleader, but sadly it wasn’t true.  L and I were like glue.  When I was sick and wasn’t in school L and my BFF P didn’t even sit near each other, which was odd since they were both around me the whole time when I was present.  P never liked L, mainly because C22 (she's not very important and wont come up very often, if ever again).  C22 is P’s cousin and oddly enough friended me on Facebook a few months ago.  I’m a bit uncomfortable now and I’m going to end the post, but a lot of what I know about women comes from L; and I’ll be talking about her again.

Class Tomorrow

I’ve got class tomorrow and the fact that I’ve been sick for the past month has made that quite difficult.  I guess I could call the muscle spasm a lucky break, it’s given me time to regroup and decide how to fix the mess that is school.  To be honest surviving this long has surprised me, so I’m sure I’ll figure a way out of the problem.  I saw the doc and got pills (2 types of pain killers along with a muscle relaxer).  So I’ve been high all afternoon, but considering the pain I’d be in otherwise; I’ve decided just to say that I’m breaking even.  I had taco bell for lunch and bought a bunch of those caramel apple things and my god are they just wonderful.  I always tend to buy quite a lot and have a few for breakfast with coffee (taco bell should have coffee and a latin breakfast menu).  I’m sort of back into my “hobby” whether I want to or not.  I promised myself that I would try and have a normal life and just try to be average.  I got another notice from the person who wants me dead and it looks like my hobby is the fastest way out of dodge.  Thankfully I’ve got a skill set that isn’t something you can learn in school and makes me pretty rare.  I know I’m vague about what I do and what I use to do, but some things are better left unsaid.  I’ve got serious pain again, I just took my pills and they were due about 3 hours ago… so yeah pain is hell.  As for Thanksgiving is it’s status quo as usual (yes, I’ll be very vague about that).  I’ve got a lot to do on this break to catch up to school.  When I get back I’m going to have to lie through my teeth (I’m a very good liar), to fix the school situation and resume where I should be.  My absence has at least kept me away from R, so that’s been another good thing about coming close to death.  I will say now that I can be more honest and spill my guts on this blog, I’ve felt like this huge weight come off of my shoulders.  You know I have the “Back to The Future” trilogy, which I bought at Best Buy, but still exists in the original shrink wrap.  I should watch it it’s been so long since I’ve seen it and I’ve never seen it in widescreen.  These last couple of sentences took an hour between pauses because I almost had someone looking over my shoulder… couldn’t exactly explain why I’m using the name “Preston Ponders”.  Alliteration is a powerful thing, but for not explaining why you have an alias.

 

Now to an ode to one of my favorite guilty pleasures… Gossip Girl.

 

You know you love me,

xoxo… Preston Ponders

Waking Up

The short story is that I’ve got a muscle spasm.  The last time I had one the docs at the ER didn’t believe I got it just by waking up.  Sometimes the story isn’t all that interesting on how you got injured, but it is sort of fun when they believe it’s sex related.  Even if I’m celibate, my secret to how I survive day to day is simple; yet, it’s complex in practice.  No matter how bad things get, I now that in the end I’m going to be happy.  So if I have to suffer and go without just to survive long enough to get to my prize, then it’s worth it.

Withdrawal

To sum up everything in the past month or so… I almost died.  So after a lot of drama, dying yet almost again; I had to go off of a very important medication that keeps me alive and switch to another.  So withdrawal is quite the literal bitch.  Hence my wide swinging mood swings.  So I’ve been going the highs and lows of life for the past week or so and with a medication that I’ve been taking for years god knows how long this pharmaceutical hell will last, but there’s good news.  Remember how I was yammering on about how I’m a big fan of “love at first sight”?  Well I had a weird dream a few weeks back.  To start of I have to say I’ve always thought life would be easier if we all knew who we were going to end up with.  I mean it would be the perfect motivation in life to keep the unhappy and unmotivated going, plus wouldn’t you want to know?  So I’m in the this ballroom (in a tux) and it’s one of those fancy parties.  There’s a dance floor and this woman who is in my dream my wife.  She’s slightly shorter than me, blonde, hazel eyes and very leggy.  She’s in this gorgeous black dress, and she’s mine.  We dance the night away.  The weird part is that now every time I hear the right song I flash back to that dream and dancing with her.  In the dream I’m so happy, and when the right music plays, I’m back there again… dancing.  I’m currently listening to the second song I’ve found that brings back her into my head, she's beautiful.  Sure it could be a hallucination from the withdrawal, but god wouldn’t it be cool if it wasn’t?

I lie

Any post before that mentioned me having sex is a lie.  At first I wondered how honest I could be, and I was afraid to.  Keeping up appearances when you can’t have sex because someone wants you dead is hard.  You have to remember what you said to what person and why you said it verses the normal cover.  Even my past is lie.  I use to tell the truth, but C changed that.  I told a good friend the truth about me, cause I was always so quiet about what I actually do.  She didn’t believe me and in turn I lost a good friend, or maybe she just wasn’t the good friend that I thought she was.  Sometimes I even lie when I write, it’s a hard thing to turn off sometimes.  Recently I’ve decided just to be mute about my personal life, until it comes up in conversation.  Saying that I do freelance work is typically enough to get people to stop asking questions.  It works perfectly; because it explains my odd hours, and it sounds so boring most people do ask any further questions.  I started this blog as a kind of therapy for myself, since there’s no one I can trust and be honest with.  I figured that I could be honest on here without having to reveal my true identity, it works and I do feel better afterwards.  It doesn’t really fix the problems I have, but it helps to write them out.  I don’t really care if anyone reads it, or even what you think of me.  The secrets that I’ve learned to avoid talking to people when I’m out as to avoid sexual temptation are pretty easy and commonplace.  I wear dark sunglasses; if people can’t see your eyes, they can’t tell if you’re interested in them, most people see it as a sign of that I don’t want to talk.  Earbuds, even if you don’t put them into an actual cd or mp3 player they work, because people think you’re already preoccupied and most people won’t want to bother you.  Wearing dark colors also shows that you don’t want to talk, I read about it one time and forget exactly why it works… but it does.

I’m Celibate

It’s hard sometimes, I’m celibate for many reasons.  Unfortunately they are just way too complicated to get into right now.  I’ve been doing it now for a few years, my work requires it; or it use to till I stopped doing what I was doing.  I know it makes me sound like gigolo, but sadly that’s not it.  The worst part about giving it up is that even the slightest glance from a woman or for that matter any attention at all, starts to drive me up the wall.  Most of the time it’s easy, I keep myself occupied with activities, but going out in public when there’s a lot of woman my age, is hard to put it mildly.  I love older women (more of a side note actually)….  I’ve always been picky when it comes to women.  In my mind if I’m ever lucky to get married, I want to be once and forever (that’s not to say I wouldn’t know when I’d need to call it quits).  For me it’s like 1 in million, I just get attracted to a unique quality of a women, and that’s it for me… I’m hooked.  Love is love, of course you can probably tell by the way that I talk that I believe in love in first at sight.  Sometimes it’s hard being young (24) and seeing everyone paired up, even if I know that marriages on average (50%) end in divorce.  Recently, I was weak and tried to cling to a couple of women that I met.  That one that I mentioned (B1), thankfully found a guy; so the text messages have stopped.  A1 is new, but hers to have stopped.  She’s really compatible with me, but I know we can’t have a future together.  She loves scifi and is probably a bigger geek than me.  I got another letter this week from M and I get them as constant reminders that my life maybe short lived.  I’ve thought about leaving the country, but M knows I’ve got things keeping me here; so sadly it’s not an option at this moment.  I’ve been watching Chuck, I never even saw an episode till this weekend; and now I’d say it’s one of the best shows on TV.  Seeing Chuck in love with the blonde woman, is just a big reminder of my own life.  I can see, but not touch.  I know some people might just say, “why don’t you just have a one night stand?”  I’m just not really that type of person, for me sex is a very special thing between two people that love each other.  I’ve never been able to just turn it off.  The hardest part of the whole staying clean is turning down offers (very hard).  I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself; if my girlfriend got hurt, because someone came after me and she got hurt instead.  I hope one day to be free with the whole death knocking at my door thing, but for now I know that I have to be careful.  I’ve tried to turn off my “no one night stand” rule, but it’s hard.  I mean most people say that they would sacrifice their happiness for the the person they love, even putting their life down to save theirs… I’m doing it for someone, the worst part is that I don’t even know her name.

Word to the Wise

So I figured out why B1 isn't talking to me; either it's because she thinks I'm a liar or she believes me. You see once upon a time, I had a very busy life and that life entailed me doing things most people could only dream about. Long story short I revealed that I had a somewhat famous friend (the type that gets their music video played on MTV and VH1). Now B1 didn't exactly knew who I was talking about at first (she's not like super famous, but famous none the less), but I sent her links to her videos and I assume she saw them. Since that time I saw she met a new guy. Hence either I'm liar or out of her league. Now I'm not a fan of lying to people that I want to have a relationship with; but when the truth leads you into being thought of as a liar, then lying seems like the smart choice. So it's either I tell the truth and have people believe I'm a fraud or lie and not have people see the real me. Either way I lose, hence the dating hiatus.

The Guilty Pleasures of Life

Whether it's sipping a 40 year old scotch or an 18 year old hooker, we've all got our vices. I'm no different, but I've always preferred the guilty pleasures that most guys would ignore. So you may ask, what is my big sin? Well Gossip Girl, sure it's basically a Soap Opera, but it's a soap opera with very hot women; plus when you’re chatting a woman up at the bar it's always helpful to have something to talk about. These days you'd be hard pressed to find a twenty-something that's not addicted to the show. Whether it be Twilight or the latest issue of who's sleeping with whom; for a guy, these talking points could mean the difference from batting a 100 to going at it solo. Overall the chick-lit genre is one every guy should know at least something of, if showing their softer side worked for Sears, it's a safe bet that it will work for you too.

Wrapping It All Up

I'm still very sick, but hey it did get me out of class for a couple of weeks; sometimes you have to take the wins where you can find them. I can't remember if I said that J (of M and J) is in drug rehab, I ran into her to give her a check that she had dropped outside her flat. Hell, if it wasn't for her daughter being right there, it might have even scored me a lay. Honestly, she looked shocked about how the check ended up outside, although she knew it was missing. Maybe J had taken it and that's how he steals money from her... at this point who knows. The girl I've been chatting up with for a couple of weeks (the one I turned into a pot dealer by the way, if I didn't tell that story, I'll make sure to include it in a later post) has announced on her Facebook status that she met a really cool guy when she was out (not me), and honestly I'm glad. I may not always find that my life is peaches and cream, but it's my life none the less. Let's call her B1 since she won't be talked about much longer. B1 wants to get married (she's 19) and she's been engaged twice already. I take care of my elderly mom, and even though sometimes she really pisses me off, she's still my mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I know what happens to people to in nursing homes and I couldn't bear to do that to my mom, B1 seemed to imply that when the day comes I should put her first. I lied and said that I would. Also I told B1 one of my hopes and dreams and she seemed to knock them down rather quickly as silly (although she put in much nicer words). In B1's world, people are ordinary (at least the ones she knows) and nothing really of interest ever happens to them; they don't become famous, they're not heroes, and most importantly they give up on the things that help them get up in the morning. Dreams for B1 are for the next generation, for with them lies the hopes and dreams and the chances that B1 never had. Honestly I'm glad that B1 has meet someone other than me; cause now I don't have to give the whole it's not you, it's me speech. I've had the thing ready to go for what feels like weeks, but I never had the courage to send it. As for myself, even if I'm not always happy... I've still got my dreams.

Hold on Tight

Just got the album "Hold on Tight" from Hey Monday, and when I say "got" I mean "fell of a truck" and when I “fell of a truck” I mean “stole” and when I say “stole” I mean “I pirated it”, and when I say “I pirated it” I mean I took the high seas in a pirate costume and pillaged a passing ship with flag of the RIAA. So how was your day?

Condom Monologues

     So I told you I had to run out for condoms yesterday, right? Well I went through the register (some old guy) and the guy rang me through, I paid, then the funny conversation started. “Have a good night!”, said the old guy; “Sure as Hell hope so!”, I said. After that I think it just dawned on him that he wished I got laid last night (I did), but the shocking look on his face after what he said was just priceless. Although, it doesn’t matter how many times you buy condoms, you still feel a little ashamed (I do anyways); like you’re the only one who uses them (considering the birth rates in my area, that statement just might be true). I normally get a cart or a basket and go straight to the condoms, then I proceed to the candy aisle (I know funny ha-ha), then to the magazine aisle; overall the goal is to buy some other stuff to cover up the condoms so other people don’t notice. Going into a store and just buying condoms is a red flag that you were about to have sex, but ran out of condoms and had to run to the store. I imagine the people who go into hardware stores just to buy a plunger and/or pipe snake, must feel somewhat similar. Although one time I couldn’t find any magazines and just went to the register with condoms and candy (Hey I needed the candy to cover up the condoms), not thinking, and then I got the worst look from the cashier. Tell your condom horror stories in the comments below.

Halloween Hoe Down!

Hello boys and girls, I hope you’re enjoying your Halloween; although most likely you’re reading this the morning after… that is after the walk of shame back to your apartment wondering why you’ve got a tramp stamp and piercing in your nose all in one night! For some people Halloween is a working holiday (me), I’m stuck writing and blogging for the paper. Every year I get tons of invites to different parties, whose main goal is literally to top each other, for some it’s all the prestige and others it’s all about getting laid. So I found out yesterday, that J is in rehab for a month; so that means I’ve got a month to have sex with M. Yes, I’m very excited. Plus the odds of J actually kicking drugs out on the first time is like winning Powerball; sure it’s likely, but I wouldn’t be counting the winnings just yet. Also M got an infection… poor M. She’s so cute and cuddly and plus a total MILF!

Out of Condoms

So I have to run to the drugstore because I’m out of condoms again. Granted, I know having a stable relationship might fix the need for using condoms (R), but until that day happens, I’ve just got to go with the flow. This is one area where I envy married people, because not having to go through condoms like m&m’s is probably something I could get quickly use to.

Horny Antibotics

So I got a note for two whole days away from college, and boy did I need it. I feel slightly better; I got antibiotics for the 3 count’em 3 infections! I have bronchitis, a sinus infection, and both ears are infected (okay technically the ears are two separate things, but I don’t want to sound like I’m directly knocking on death’s door). Although I slept really well from the antibiotics and its great and all; but know I’m constantly drowsy. Plus since I didn’t go to class Thursday I didn’t get to see R (ying to my yang remember!). Although I’ve got a primo chance for some flirting on Tuesday with R; God she just makes life worth living being around her. Also I’m horny.

Cough, Cough, Sick

Now my first intention was just to call in sick for this singular class I have on Wednesdays, but since I’ve played that card one too many times, I’m going with a flat tire.  Now the flat tire excuse is classic, but you should never use it more than once a semester per professor.  To make matters worse I actually feel bad, not sure if it’s from working too much or the fact I haven’t had a real vacation since high school.  Also I’ve got a psychology exam tomorrow and two quizzes in two other classes, so my afternoon and evening won’t exactly be wasted; but then again it’s rare these days to have any day that’s really wasted.  One trick for sleeping well on the night of an exam is a good stiff drink (a whiskey neat is my poison of choice).  Also the girl of my dreams lately, the one I’ve purposefully ignoring wasn’t in class the other day.  Granted, I know it’s probably not meant to be, but I still miss the ying to my yang.

Girls Interrupted

Amazingly, I’m still alive.  So I met this girl and to be quite honest she’s not really my type; but I give her a chance anyway.  We start talking, and even though chemistry wise we’re not really compatible; but we have stuff we talk about, so in that way it’s nice.  So eventually she tells me about her friend who use to sell coke, and then she mentions how she got laid off (this actually happened over a period of days, but for times sake I’m compressing it so it doesn’t get boring).  So I mention how it would be hot if she started selling pot.  So I get an email about how she’s suppose to meet her friends contact tomorrow, but the email was sent Sunday night, so it was today; but I read it today and thought it was tomorrow.  So tonight she basically smokes most of it up with her BFF and other friend (which by the way she put I assume guy friend).  Why is that when I get this sinking feeling about a chick that I shouldn’t even be talking to, I always end up being right about my original feeling that I shouldn’t even have talked to her in the first place.  I know that basically I sort of corrupted her, but basically she’s already dug herself pretty deep.  Women always disappoint me, seriously if they aren’t crazy; then they are just plain not worth the time to begin with… it’s like all the good ones are taken.

Shouldn’t Care, But I Do

I know I shouldn’t care if someone doesn’t apparently like me, because it’s their loss.  First off, that’s utter crap; and the moron who said that obviously hasn’t been single for the past 3 years.  Sure I know I meant to take a break from the whole dating scene, mainly due to the fact that I tend to attract the all psychopaths in a 5 mile radius, and trust me I wish I was kidding about that.  How dare her!  I mean she emailed me and responded to my ad, the least she could do is respond and make some crap up about how it’s not me it’s her, or some other crap.  I mean the polite thing would be to actually acknowledge the fact that she got them; but no, ignoring them is so much better. 

Fights Over

With my family it helps to have leverage when you enter a fight. The fine art of arguing is something I learned early in life and has served me well over the years. In other news:

I felt weird the other day so I did a spur of the moment thing and launched a personals ad on Craigslist, it's nice to know that I've still got it, and I got 8 responses, one of which was truly awesome. For me, it's all about love at first site, that instant connection you feel when you meet that truly special someone. In this case it was more of love at first type, but hey you get the point. So I emailed her back... and again... and again. I know that in the world of blackberries and smartphones, that not everyone keeps up with their email everyday. For example V finally contacted me almost a month later. Although with V, I think the fact that we've started up the small talk again, gives me the feeling, that nothing is going to happen. Sadly, sometimes you just know how it's going to end. Sure V does live 2 hours way, and no one likes long distance relationships, but I still do miss her, even if she doesn't miss me. So this chick that I felt that instant connection with (at least on my side), has either read my messages or is trying to be polite and ignore me and hope I'll go away. You know I've been single for so long, that I've forgotten how nice it was not to care. I could do what I want, when I want, and I didn't have to ask a soul. Now of all of a sudden, I have this urge to pair off just like the other animals; and it's a strange feeling indeed Miss's Robinson... a strange feeling indeed.

Chemistry Exam

So I've got a chemistry exam tomorrow morning and I was planning on studying this afternoon and going to bed early (I have to wake up at 5am to get ready for a string of classes). Also I have some homework for other classes to accomplish as well. It's not that I can't do it all tonight. It's just that my mom doesn't know how to get money out of the atm machine and I was originally going to go out and buy dinner. Now all of a sudden she wants to go out (she's a slow driver) and learn how to do it, on the night where I have a few hours left to do all of this shit and on top of it I have to wait an hour for her to get ready. I have to go out with her and sit beside her and teach her; on the one night where this could really wait. Now having to take care of a sick mom who can't take care of herself might sound honorable to most people, but most people don't realize that she can literally drive me up the wall with these things. Like for example when I was younger I could never bring a girl home (my name is on the lease), because if my mom doesn't like someone I bring home; she'll irritate my date and she'll make my life hell afterwards. Also even when I was kid, I could never bring friends home, since my mom liked to dress in her bathrobe or some old clothes with holes in them. Right now everything feels like shit. If everything sounds confusing it is, but after you know everything you'll understand.

J Stole Money From M

So last night J and M were fighting as they usually do. Lately it's so much, that I'm expecting that someone is going to get thrown out of a two story window if it continues this way. So M is yelling saying that J stole money from her. Apparently he spent $90 at OfficeMax on school supplies (he just got out of the military and his making use of the GI Bill. Apparently he claims that he puts the money back, but her income is pretty limited due to her being disabled and having to take care of her young kid. He still spent the night... but man the yelling went on for hours.

Drugged Out

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Granted I know you don't really care either way, but it makes me feel like the better person... so hence me doing it. In reality, that's why everyone does it... I'm sure someone reading this just got their mind blown.

Powered by my G1 Google Phone.

Drugged Out

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Granted I know you don't really care either way, but it makes me feel like the better person... so hence me doing it. In reality, that's why everyone does it... I'm sure someone reading this just got their mind blown.

Powered by my G1 Google Phone.

A Dirty Note That Mama Found

So M and J have been keeping me really busy with all of their drama lately, but man is it so juicy. Whoever said that soap operas are just plain fantasy have obviously never met these two drama queens.
So a few days ago M and J had one of their usual fights, which have been ever increasing lately by the way. Which resulted in J slamming the door and leaving for a few days... not to be seen again, or that's what I thought.
So M and I share a walkway that leads up to our front doors, and I saw the other day a pink note which I at first thought was some chicks handwriting but then saw it was signed J. J has such girly handwriting... the only thing it's missing is hearts and smiley faces over the i's. So the note was taped on the door with the writing "Please read this Love, J".
It was obvious that M wasn't taking J's calls so he had to resort to notes in a plea to make his case for stealing her pills. Well this would have been all good and well, except that the note remained on the door till the next day when M's mom arrived.
So, basically I saw it as M sitting in her car and M's mom yelling at her through the car window. My guess is there was something about J stealing M's pills in the note, but of course that's just a guess.
You know I do feel sorry for M, she feels desperate for a guy that will accept all of the problems that she has in her life and her kid, which a lot of guys have problems with to begin with. Yet today I saw M and J sitting in her car with him driving away off to a night of partying. I feel bad for her, but it's her life.

Blowjobs Right Outside My Front Door

So guys I'm so sorry for not writing for a few days.... I had a severe power outage that blew out several computers and most importantly my 30 inch LCD. Luckily, I've got an ancient laptop that I blew the dust off of that I found lying in the closet and boy does it make me thankful for modern technology. Also I'd like to apologize for any misspellings or grammar mistakes due to me not having access to Microsoft Word at the moment (but I am currently looking for a backup cd laying around... hopefully somewhere).

So one of the really freaky things that happened a couple of days ago was this eerie sound I heard outside and guess what, it was M & J. J was sitting in the drivers seat of M's car and M was sitting on the passenger side.
Which brings up a really good point, why do so many women let their boyfriends drive their cars even when the guy doesn't have on of his own? I see this all the time, especially if the guy has a really shitty car and the girl has a really new one.
Now the sound I heard was M's head hitting the steering wheel cause her head was bobbing up and down, due to the long lasting blowjob she was giving J.

Have You Taken Satan into Your Life?

     So today I spent the greater part of the day at the doctors and then waiting to take x-rays of my wrist and arm and then waiting for the results (it was a busy day at the medical center). So after my really dull day was almost over I was waiting for the results and to see if I needed a splint on my arm, then he came along. An old guy who looked and acted like he just got a day pass from the local mental hospital saw me sitting in a chair and then he came over and asked me:

Old Guy: “Have you taken Jesus Christ into your Life?”

Me: “Funny you should say that I was about to ask you a similar question… Have you accepted Satan as your personal God and Savior?”

Now most people imagine doing something funny in the lines of this, but I actually had the balls to do it.

Old Guy: Just complete shock on his face…. Then pause.

The people around us: Just complete shock on their faces

Old Guy: “You need to accept Jesus into your life otherwise you’ll spend eternity in Hell!”

Me: “You need to let the warmth of drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, and rock n’ roll into your life to save your mortal soul!”

Old Guy: “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Me: “Why are you surprised? Now get away from me you old crazy loon before I have to break out the taser”

The crowd: Just complete surprise

I then heard my name called and I got my results and left.

Too Close for Comfort

Today, I had class that was more… well exciting, and that’s the way I prefer to put it. The desks in this one room were crammed to the maximum and not to mention I think they were designed for high schoolers who are much shorter than I. So I’m sitting in the last desk in this row and my desk is pushed up against a wall, and the next four desks in front of me are tipped upwards since there’s not enough room in the row (they’re all pushing against each other. So the class starts to fill up and I’ve got really long legs (very important for the story). So eventually the seat in front of me is the last one left, cause every one can see the desks in that row are crammed against each other and nobody wants to spend the next 3 hours in complete discomfort (since mine is the last one its okay for me at least). The room is completely full when this chick comes in and she sits in the chair in front of me. The back of her chair was pushed upwards and the front is pinned down. This with the fact I have very long legs leads to it looking like from an angle that we are basically dry humping (think bump and grind) because she’s in between my legs, and it’s like two inches from my crotch coming into contact with her. I imagine it must have looked really funny, but the woman in front didn’t seem to mind, let’s just say it was hard to keep my mind on the lecture. Some days I just have to sit back and laugh, LOL.

Bitch Stole my Pills

When I woke up early Monday morning I awoke to the neighbors fighting and boy were they loud. M & J were so loud you almost had to listen; well you really had no choice with the doors slamming and shouting. Had a lived in a bad area I would have hit the floor because anywhere else and bullets would have been flying. M was shouting to her boyfriend J that some of her painkillers were missing. J was denying this for all of about 30 seconds when he said, “Well what’s your problem I only took two!” Then M was like, “No J it was a hell of a lot more than two!” Then they argued for a bit and honestly I think J is so stupid that he doesn’t understand why M is so mad at him. Then M shouted, “You’re high right now aren’t you?!” Then she was like get the hell out and everything, and sure enough I heard the door slam. I thought it would have been an awkward time to take the trash out, because remember it was only 4am when all of this was going on. I saw him sitting in his car, but then you’ll never guess what happened… she let him in again and then M & J fighted some more. Surely I thought there’s no way that she would tolerate this, but he’s still living there. You see M is like 32, but she tells everyone including J that she’s only 30; and J I swear is like 18 (19 at the way oldest). Plus M has like a 7 year old daughter, plus she’s got this disease so she can’t work. Basically she seems to be happy to have a guy period.  I feel so sorry for M.