Why I don’t tell family about new relationships

I actually told my mom quite bit about c last night, and she asked if I was going out to see her again tonight.  This is one of those times I just want to lie and have to really.  I can either make my mom think I’m cold bastard or think that I’m a loser.  I saw an ad on rants and raves that has only a few details that are different from me.  Me it’s that answer that I wanted so badly.  From this day on I can be celibate to I’m married, that is if I ever can learn to trust women again; or I wake up one day as just another womanizer.  Either way I’m not the same guy and I don’t I can ever get that back.  I have to move on, without real closure.  Maybe it makes me a better writer, cause you always hear about pain for making a good writer whether it’s books or music.  Part of me now just wants to be famous, so that on the off chance C might see my book on the shelve or come to a book signing… so she can see what she lost.  I think in the end I was naive to think the way I do.  Most people kid themselves that good looks aren’t the most important thing, but they are, most people just can’t admit it.  I lowered my standards and I still got trashed.  I already feel myself closing off to the person I once was.  I’m not sure which road I’ll end up on.  Most likely I’m going to be celibate for a very long time, but I’m pretty sure that will change once I’m completely happy with myself… the womanizer will be born.  Women are even worse than men, they just whine more about it so you think its only the mens fault.  Whatever doubts that I had about wanting a real close relationship are gone.  I guess in a way I can thank her setting my conscience free, I was always concerned about how other people saw me; now I don’t really care at all.  I think I can for once freely focus on my goals without having loneliness getting in the way.  I have eat much of anything in days, I couldn’t eat cause I was so happy; now I just want to rub my success in her face.  The hard part now is lying to my mother, she’s one of those people who can read me no matter what.  My life is totally different now, I’m sure I can focus on what needs to be done, I don’t sleep so much or haven’t been lately.  I feel like I can do what I wasn’t strong enough to do before.  Maybe that’s good or bad, I’ll eventually find out.  People who’ve focused on their careers think they’ve always might have the wrong path, but in reality now I think they’re the truly wise ones.  I use to want a really intelligent woman, now dumb and blonde.  I’ve never had good taste in women and my judgment has always been bad.   I’m a new man.