Christmas Might be Dead

Ever since I moved a few years back and since I didn’t have very many friends as a result of it, I buy myself Christmas Presents.  I’ve sort of hit that age where most of my friends from high school are either jealous of me or they just plain don’t want anything to do with me.  I know it happens, with time most friendships don’t last.  I just always imagined that I would be long gone from here and moved on to some other city and getting to start over and meeting new people… but I’m still here.  So I have this tradition of buying myself stuff since otherwise I might get like one thing from one person, if even that.  I told you I was messed up.  It didn’t happen over night and it wasn’t tragic, that’s a lie it was, but I hope it changes one day.  This year I was hoping to get myself a bluray player… really wanted one.  Although it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen since I don’t have much money left over this month.  I wasn’t even going to buy a nice standalone since I have a crappy old tv, but I wanted one for my computer (cause that's the nicest screen I own and the desk chair is the comfiest chair I own).  I’ve never had much family or the type of friends who bought me gifts for Christmas, so I’ve never really understood the buying frenzy that happens this time of year.  It’s not like I have these unreal expectations of getting something super nice, it’s just I never really get anything; hence the buying myself something.  Then I have the whole C reminder of that caroling thing, and the fact that I’m not going and I’m not with her anymore.  So it’s another big nail in the coffin of Christmas Cheer for me.  I don’t get or understand the part about families getting together during the holidays cause I never had that, for me it’s just another normal day.  I have boxes of stuff I could go through maybe I’ll find something I forgot about, so maybe I can have faux christmas presents.  I don’t want to sound petty, but when people complain that they had a horrible Christmas, that the people gave them something horrible or that they didn’t even try… well you don’t know lack of trying until you don’t get anything… not even a Christmas Card.