Deserving

Whatever comes of this I got myself here, I may have had a gun to my head… but even then there are choices.

C Again

I’m sure she has to think I’m a total whanker.

C Responded

I know I should just read it, but I can’t. Sometimes I hate having computers everywhere in life.

Checked my Email Again

I checked it again.  Part of me wants some miracle to happen and for everything to be okay.  The fact is if it was meant to be, there would be something like a response back telling my crazy and stupid I am for thinking like this.  I guess my gut instinct was right and she couldn’t over look my flaws.  I think what hurts is that she thought I was awesome and talking with her last night convinced her of that.  It convinced me that it wouldn’t work.  I had this fear before I sent the email that I wouldn’t get a response and it appears to have been confirmed.  When it comes to love it’s better to minimize the pain when you know that you're going to get hurt.  Hey Mr. Whiskey bottle, you say you’ll never leave me… aww thank you Mr. Whiskey Bottle.  This is why I stay off of the market, you can’t get hurt if you don’t play.

Happiness

I’m not expecting a response cause I believe her past relationships and what the guys were like is testimony to the fact that we couldn’t work.  I lost myself when T left me and I plunged into that deep dark hole and I never thought I would recover.  Maybe I’m afraid of that happening again, hell maybe I really do love C and this in the short time we’ve talked.  Life is short and she deserves a guy that has everything she wants and that’s not me.

I think C was on Facebook When I logged on

I left a message that I just left the most awesome woman ever, because she can do a hell of lot better than me, or something of that nature.  I feel like crap, but pain makes good writing and I’m sure there’s a book in all of this; most likely a one timer, not a series.  I think she might have been on facebook, but I logged off before she could send me an im.  Maybe I’m a coward for giving her up, but if you care about someone you want to see them happy… even if it’s not with you.

The End of C

So this girl I’ve been chatting online with, I actually thought it would end several days ago; but I have a feeling it will now.  She told me about the guys she normally dates and let’s say I don’t really fill the requirements and I prefer to leave it at that.  So I sent her what some people might call an ultimatum letter, I told her that I basically don’t want to be her regret because she settled.  I pretended that I was okay with it and that she should move on and find a guy she's more compatible with; honestly I’m heart broken, but “C’est La Vie”.  Until I fix the problems that hang over my head I’m never going to be happy like I want to be.  I wrote the letter after we finished chatting last night and I spent all day thinking about it.  I think that I was maybe starting to fall for her, she was pretty damn perfect.  Although, she deserves not to settle and find a guy that has everything she wants, for now that’s not me.  If there ever was a time for a drink… it’s now.

Job Application for a Date

Where I live isn’t the best place to find a date for a complicated guy like me.  I like a woman who drinks wine, reads, knows little pop culture (but not obsessed), and passions with goals in life.  In southern Pennsylvania, what I got was women who hunt, fish, smoke, don’t drink wine but cheap beer, and the only thing they read they claim to read is the bible (not interested in helping the poor and sick, because you know Jesus was all about tort reform and tax credits for people who make a lot of money).  Eventually I’ll learn to accept that, but for now what I’ve got is a woman who I’ll probably loose contact with in the next couple of days.  Women around here (which is why I read the personals for a good laugh) even state they want a guy who’s financially secure.  My question is why is that okay for a woman to openly ask that, but if a guy does that he’s a gigolo?  I even read that one woman wanted a guy with a good credit history.  To me, it sounds more like a robbery than a relationship.  I mean if you have to go through all that, you might as well get a hooker (plus a hooker will do things a girlfriend won’t).  Think about how much money you spend on a date and how many dates it takes just to have sex once (let’s assume 3 date rule).  You can get a pretty good hooker for 300 an hour, plus she leaves when you’re done.  Rich men can afford the high class escort clubs that make sure they’re clients don’t get caught on a cop raid; poor men go to street corners where they will definitely get caught eventually.  Plus cops don’t raid the high class clubs where judges and their bosses go.  If the women I date look at it as a financial transaction, I should too.

Steamed Corn

For lunch I had one of those microwave steam bags of corn, it was wonderful.  I mixed in 2 tablespoons of butter for the whole family size bag, then I ate it out of a large pyrex measuring cup, and it was awesome.  I could eat one of those bags everyday for lunch.  I really only eat 2 meals a day and having steamed corn everyday sounds nice; also its super easy to heat up.  I feel better today, and I finished watching Chuck and again it was awesome.  I always use to have this list about the type of woman I thought I would end up with in the end.  I like to think most people whether they’ll ever admit it or not; think about their future spouse and what they’ll be like.  After watching Chuck I feel like my life has been opened up and idea of a cute polish girl (the actress who plays sarah walker is polish) being my wife or even if my wife is from a different country seems okay now.  It never was before, and I always thought I’d marry a girl from the motherland.  I’d say what country, but it might lead to someone figuring out who I am so I won’t.  All of sudden my wall of limits has been pushed out of the way a little bit and I feel more open to what could happen and who I think I could be happy with.  With V, I had that problem; we were both two very different people and she didn’t mind.  She didn’t care one bit who I was and what my family was like, she openly said she loved me and I responded back with “I like you too”.  I regret that day, and even though I did reconnect with her for a little bit a while back; she’s different and I’m different.  I know that ship has sailed.  She has a child and is now in a relationship… not with me of course.  I was immature then about what I was willing to accept and a part of me thought I was settling when I wasn’t… I was getting an upgrade.  I finally feel like I’ve learned something from that moment.

Too Far

I remember a few years ago, TLC had all these figurines that were like jokes and I forgot what the promotion was about.  They had this one of a woman typing away on a computer pounding away a bottle of merlot with the other hand; the caption read “Merlot and Email don’t Mix”.  I may have done something stupid…. I put an ad on craigslist, I normally only look for fun and sometimes it puts me in a good mood, cause well people are strange and funny and the things they want to sell or the requests (wanted) can just make me fall on the floor laughing.  I put an ad out, I don’t know why since I know Craigslist is heavy comprised of bots and other scams.  Most of the responses I got were junk and the spam filter quickly picked them and out discarded them, a couple of others it missed, and one, well it was legit.  The girl sounds awesome, but I may have been drunk and told about one of my side projects.  Yeah I know I’m hoping to push her off. 

The Writing is Helping

After several days of writing and even though it felt like pure dribble to me, it’s apparently helped.  I’ve never really been one for talking out my problems, mainly because I’ve never really had someone who I trusted enough.  Sure there were times my life when I had a lot of friends, but now I’m older and I can count the people I trust on one hand and the people with life… well they don’t exist anymore.  It’s a big part of getting older, losing people that you use to trust; because they either betrayed you or they’re not around anymore for whatever reason.  Talking helps, no matter how independent or how much of a lone wolf you portray yourself to be, we all need social activities. 

Why is it So Hard!

I mean I’ve gone years with no problems, and all of sudden I’ve got these crazy love sick feelings and I don’t even have a crush at the moment.  R is like the only remote possibility and I’ve been mia for over a month, so that bridge is burned.  On second thought I remember having a few problems last year around holiday time.  The only smart thing I’ve heard Carson Daly say was way back when he said on TRL that valentines day is great if you got somebody, but it sucks balls if you’re alone.  I think maybe I should start working out, maybe that will help take my mind off of it.

Cache of Love

I hide myself.  Honestly, I want a relationship so bad, but I know I can’t.  Some part of me keeps thinking that if I write out like several times, I might become more okay dealing with what I have to do.  I’m suppose to be working this holiday and I’ve got a ton of paperwork; plus several side projects that I’ve been delaying for about as long as I could have.  After all of my posts yesterday I started thinking about how much I want to have someone in my life (a woman), and then I started watching Chuck again.  I just feel so close to the character of Sarah Walker, she has her work that engulfs her life and she isn’t allowed to have a personal life.  I just felt a kinship that made me feel better, I know the show is fiction, but it’s nice to know Hollywood is looking to non typical characters, so that people feel like they have a connection with the people on the show.  I started to think about how long it would take before I could start having a normal life again… one year minimum.  I had counted just a few years ago that 3 to 4 years was most likely, but if I really worked hard… I could retire in a year.  If anyone reads this thank god that you don’t have a life like me, if you do I understand.  One thing life has taught me is that there’s always someone out there who’s got it as the same as you.

Crap about Girlfriends

Now in general when a relationship ends, typically all the bad stuff comes to light.  Whether or not he or she snores, who hogs the bed, and in general really meaningless crap like that.  Women also like to change men, most of the time the big plans they have for us fail.  Although women typically don’t get the credit for the good stuff they do, just the bad.  Most divorced men are likely to say their ex’s played a big part in killing their big plans and dreams.  While this is true a lot of times, what isn’t said is that even though two people may hate each other, the woman really did want to help the guy do his best and succeed.  Women are really good at settling when they don’t have to and men are really good at dreaming even when they shouldn’t be.  Like Ying and Yang, each side has it’s good points.  Most guys if you let them would wallow around in their own filth and not really give it a second look.  When women show up on the scene they like to get rid of crappy furniture and get the guy into nice clothes.  Women see men as investments, any guy can be improved on whether she’s just looking for him to be average or look like a million bucks.  Women really don’t get credit for all of this and this is why when the relationship is over they’re so pissed when some other women comes on to the scene to enjoy the spoils of all of her hard work.  Men on the other hand want a woman who’s polished and fine, basically a good girl that acts like a pornstar in bed.  Men don’t really want to fix a woman, mainly due to the fact that women don’t really change (sound familiar?).  Men want the finished product and not the raw materials.  This is where a woman can strike gold and a man can strike out.  Women look at relationships like investments that take years to mature, while men just want to go out and pick up the latest gizmo no matter how much the inflated price.

6am

I finally went to bed a little after 6am and got woken up 30 minutes past 10, I know… the beginnings of a wonderful day.  Overall I spent most of the day planning my schedule for the next week and it was a pretty boring day. I came up on the episode of Chuck that’s in 3D and I did try to locate some 3D glasses.  I found some dealers online and couldn’t really nail down a store in the area that would sell them.  I heard about dollar general and some others like that might hold some promise and that maybe just maybe Toys R Us might have them.  It’s not like stores just advertise that they sell them.  Most of what I read basically implied that I might have to buy some cheap toy just to get them included.  One thing is for sure is that you get really weird looks being a guy in his mid 20’s alone in a kids toy store.  Last time I needed something that I could only get from a toy store, I got lots of weird looks from the parents with the kids; but on the bright side, the staff was very helpful to get me the hell out of there.  I’m sure people complained about the suspicious guy wandering around the store that didn’t seem to have a kid.  It use to be someone could walk into a toy store and buy something without having everyone think he’s a child abductor or someone off of Americas Most Wanted; then again times have changed and not for the better.  People are more paranoid now then they’ve ever been; it’s great for keeping people alert about whats going on around them, but bad for civil liberties.  Then again as former President Bush put, if you’ve got nothing to hide then you’ve got nothing to fear.  It use to be this was a horrible phrase to use in an argument; but these days its still the line that will give the side whos willing to use it, the quickest victory. So most likely I’m just going to start and resume watching Chuck without the glasses cause theres no way I’m waiting over a week (always got to count holidays and weekends into delaying an online order) for some 3D glasses just so I can watch that glorious episode of Chuck in 3D. 

Houses

Okay, watching House didn’t exactly make me feel better.  I’ve come to expect that every song worth listening to is about love, sex, or having lost one or the other.  I understand the overall goal of a show is to eventually hookup the main character and have them be happy… unless they get cancelled which leaves it basically hanging with no real closure.  That said for fun and I know that someone who complains about trying to not have a relationship, but in reality is starved for one shouldn’t be looking on craigslist claiming its just for fun.  I ran across this one ad and I quote “has to be decent looking, job, licence, car and a place or working on getting one”, granted the qualifications don’t exactly set the bar too high, but I do sort of feels sorry for her.  Hell, when I read this personal ads I feel sorry for all of these people… in one or another they are all damaged like me.  You can see it in their photos that they post in the ads most people look depressed, lonely, and slightly suicidal.  I know these people don’t exactly arrive at that point overnight, but that’s why I don’t do one night stands; because I don’t want to contribute to the problem.  Also a lot of women that post ads on craigslist have kids, and there are not a lot of guys who are willing to put up with that, which I do feel sorry for them.  On the other hand I understand the guys not wanting to have to raise some other guys kids and having to deal with the problem daddy when he does show up.  It happened to me once I thought I’d give this woman a chance and on taking her back to her place I meet her ex (and her baby daddy) waiting outside for us to come home.  I felt sorry for her and thought no guy wants to put up with this, no guy should have to.  Maybe down the line if the guy knows the girl a little bit better, but not on the first date.  On the other hand if a guy has a kid, he tends to be a chick magnet, and women tend to eat that kind of stuff up because it shows that he “steps up” and takes care of it “like a man”.  I know women reading this think my observation of the problem is whats wrong with the world; but it’s not my world, it’s just how it works.  Men think differently from women.  Women like the bad boys, but when they finally get tired and want the nice guy, having a kid with the bad boy and the good guy having to put with it isn’t what the good guy really deserves.  This is why some women who’ve made the wrong choice and want to change can’t, plus a good guy doesn’t deserve and shouldn’t have to put with being a second choice.  To sum it all up, the bad boy gets the girl in her prime and the girl expects the good guy to clean it all up after her spirit is broken.

P.S. women don’t be shocked when a good guy answers your personal online, bad boys pick girls up in bars and everywhere they can.  Good guys typically get whats left and are normally quite shy, so don’t expect to find a wild and dangerous guy online via craigslist.

Destroying Someone’s Life

Have you ever felt like you destroyed someone's life, just by not being there to help them when they needed it?  Some clarification would help,  my ex’s life went down hill after I left her.  I mean it’s not my fault she made the choices she made, but if we had stayed together her kid would be my kid and her life wouldn’t be the shithole that it is.  Ironically as much as I talk about love and finding the one, I did twice.  The first one L was perfect for me in everyway, and hell my mom was almost planning the wedding.  L’s life is one of those stories that would make for a great straight to tv movie (sorry it’s not blockbuster material, but interesting enough).  I was the guy that L didn’t like till her friends turned on her and I welcomed her into my clique.  Sure at first she was using me I’m sure, but I was the guy that most people liked whether they wanted to admit it or not.  We were around each other all the time and even though we never had sex, everyone thought we were fucking like bunny rabbits.  It was nice to have everyone think I was getting laid with an ex cheerleader, but sadly it wasn’t true.  L and I were like glue.  When I was sick and wasn’t in school L and my BFF P didn’t even sit near each other, which was odd since they were both around me the whole time when I was present.  P never liked L, mainly because C22 (she's not very important and wont come up very often, if ever again).  C22 is P’s cousin and oddly enough friended me on Facebook a few months ago.  I’m a bit uncomfortable now and I’m going to end the post, but a lot of what I know about women comes from L; and I’ll be talking about her again.

Class Tomorrow

I’ve got class tomorrow and the fact that I’ve been sick for the past month has made that quite difficult.  I guess I could call the muscle spasm a lucky break, it’s given me time to regroup and decide how to fix the mess that is school.  To be honest surviving this long has surprised me, so I’m sure I’ll figure a way out of the problem.  I saw the doc and got pills (2 types of pain killers along with a muscle relaxer).  So I’ve been high all afternoon, but considering the pain I’d be in otherwise; I’ve decided just to say that I’m breaking even.  I had taco bell for lunch and bought a bunch of those caramel apple things and my god are they just wonderful.  I always tend to buy quite a lot and have a few for breakfast with coffee (taco bell should have coffee and a latin breakfast menu).  I’m sort of back into my “hobby” whether I want to or not.  I promised myself that I would try and have a normal life and just try to be average.  I got another notice from the person who wants me dead and it looks like my hobby is the fastest way out of dodge.  Thankfully I’ve got a skill set that isn’t something you can learn in school and makes me pretty rare.  I know I’m vague about what I do and what I use to do, but some things are better left unsaid.  I’ve got serious pain again, I just took my pills and they were due about 3 hours ago… so yeah pain is hell.  As for Thanksgiving is it’s status quo as usual (yes, I’ll be very vague about that).  I’ve got a lot to do on this break to catch up to school.  When I get back I’m going to have to lie through my teeth (I’m a very good liar), to fix the school situation and resume where I should be.  My absence has at least kept me away from R, so that’s been another good thing about coming close to death.  I will say now that I can be more honest and spill my guts on this blog, I’ve felt like this huge weight come off of my shoulders.  You know I have the “Back to The Future” trilogy, which I bought at Best Buy, but still exists in the original shrink wrap.  I should watch it it’s been so long since I’ve seen it and I’ve never seen it in widescreen.  These last couple of sentences took an hour between pauses because I almost had someone looking over my shoulder… couldn’t exactly explain why I’m using the name “Preston Ponders”.  Alliteration is a powerful thing, but for not explaining why you have an alias.

 

Now to an ode to one of my favorite guilty pleasures… Gossip Girl.

 

You know you love me,

xoxo… Preston Ponders

Waking Up

The short story is that I’ve got a muscle spasm.  The last time I had one the docs at the ER didn’t believe I got it just by waking up.  Sometimes the story isn’t all that interesting on how you got injured, but it is sort of fun when they believe it’s sex related.  Even if I’m celibate, my secret to how I survive day to day is simple; yet, it’s complex in practice.  No matter how bad things get, I now that in the end I’m going to be happy.  So if I have to suffer and go without just to survive long enough to get to my prize, then it’s worth it.

Withdrawal

To sum up everything in the past month or so… I almost died.  So after a lot of drama, dying yet almost again; I had to go off of a very important medication that keeps me alive and switch to another.  So withdrawal is quite the literal bitch.  Hence my wide swinging mood swings.  So I’ve been going the highs and lows of life for the past week or so and with a medication that I’ve been taking for years god knows how long this pharmaceutical hell will last, but there’s good news.  Remember how I was yammering on about how I’m a big fan of “love at first sight”?  Well I had a weird dream a few weeks back.  To start of I have to say I’ve always thought life would be easier if we all knew who we were going to end up with.  I mean it would be the perfect motivation in life to keep the unhappy and unmotivated going, plus wouldn’t you want to know?  So I’m in the this ballroom (in a tux) and it’s one of those fancy parties.  There’s a dance floor and this woman who is in my dream my wife.  She’s slightly shorter than me, blonde, hazel eyes and very leggy.  She’s in this gorgeous black dress, and she’s mine.  We dance the night away.  The weird part is that now every time I hear the right song I flash back to that dream and dancing with her.  In the dream I’m so happy, and when the right music plays, I’m back there again… dancing.  I’m currently listening to the second song I’ve found that brings back her into my head, she's beautiful.  Sure it could be a hallucination from the withdrawal, but god wouldn’t it be cool if it wasn’t?

I lie

Any post before that mentioned me having sex is a lie.  At first I wondered how honest I could be, and I was afraid to.  Keeping up appearances when you can’t have sex because someone wants you dead is hard.  You have to remember what you said to what person and why you said it verses the normal cover.  Even my past is lie.  I use to tell the truth, but C changed that.  I told a good friend the truth about me, cause I was always so quiet about what I actually do.  She didn’t believe me and in turn I lost a good friend, or maybe she just wasn’t the good friend that I thought she was.  Sometimes I even lie when I write, it’s a hard thing to turn off sometimes.  Recently I’ve decided just to be mute about my personal life, until it comes up in conversation.  Saying that I do freelance work is typically enough to get people to stop asking questions.  It works perfectly; because it explains my odd hours, and it sounds so boring most people do ask any further questions.  I started this blog as a kind of therapy for myself, since there’s no one I can trust and be honest with.  I figured that I could be honest on here without having to reveal my true identity, it works and I do feel better afterwards.  It doesn’t really fix the problems I have, but it helps to write them out.  I don’t really care if anyone reads it, or even what you think of me.  The secrets that I’ve learned to avoid talking to people when I’m out as to avoid sexual temptation are pretty easy and commonplace.  I wear dark sunglasses; if people can’t see your eyes, they can’t tell if you’re interested in them, most people see it as a sign of that I don’t want to talk.  Earbuds, even if you don’t put them into an actual cd or mp3 player they work, because people think you’re already preoccupied and most people won’t want to bother you.  Wearing dark colors also shows that you don’t want to talk, I read about it one time and forget exactly why it works… but it does.

I’m Celibate

It’s hard sometimes, I’m celibate for many reasons.  Unfortunately they are just way too complicated to get into right now.  I’ve been doing it now for a few years, my work requires it; or it use to till I stopped doing what I was doing.  I know it makes me sound like gigolo, but sadly that’s not it.  The worst part about giving it up is that even the slightest glance from a woman or for that matter any attention at all, starts to drive me up the wall.  Most of the time it’s easy, I keep myself occupied with activities, but going out in public when there’s a lot of woman my age, is hard to put it mildly.  I love older women (more of a side note actually)….  I’ve always been picky when it comes to women.  In my mind if I’m ever lucky to get married, I want to be once and forever (that’s not to say I wouldn’t know when I’d need to call it quits).  For me it’s like 1 in million, I just get attracted to a unique quality of a women, and that’s it for me… I’m hooked.  Love is love, of course you can probably tell by the way that I talk that I believe in love in first at sight.  Sometimes it’s hard being young (24) and seeing everyone paired up, even if I know that marriages on average (50%) end in divorce.  Recently, I was weak and tried to cling to a couple of women that I met.  That one that I mentioned (B1), thankfully found a guy; so the text messages have stopped.  A1 is new, but hers to have stopped.  She’s really compatible with me, but I know we can’t have a future together.  She loves scifi and is probably a bigger geek than me.  I got another letter this week from M and I get them as constant reminders that my life maybe short lived.  I’ve thought about leaving the country, but M knows I’ve got things keeping me here; so sadly it’s not an option at this moment.  I’ve been watching Chuck, I never even saw an episode till this weekend; and now I’d say it’s one of the best shows on TV.  Seeing Chuck in love with the blonde woman, is just a big reminder of my own life.  I can see, but not touch.  I know some people might just say, “why don’t you just have a one night stand?”  I’m just not really that type of person, for me sex is a very special thing between two people that love each other.  I’ve never been able to just turn it off.  The hardest part of the whole staying clean is turning down offers (very hard).  I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself; if my girlfriend got hurt, because someone came after me and she got hurt instead.  I hope one day to be free with the whole death knocking at my door thing, but for now I know that I have to be careful.  I’ve tried to turn off my “no one night stand” rule, but it’s hard.  I mean most people say that they would sacrifice their happiness for the the person they love, even putting their life down to save theirs… I’m doing it for someone, the worst part is that I don’t even know her name.

Word to the Wise

So I figured out why B1 isn't talking to me; either it's because she thinks I'm a liar or she believes me. You see once upon a time, I had a very busy life and that life entailed me doing things most people could only dream about. Long story short I revealed that I had a somewhat famous friend (the type that gets their music video played on MTV and VH1). Now B1 didn't exactly knew who I was talking about at first (she's not like super famous, but famous none the less), but I sent her links to her videos and I assume she saw them. Since that time I saw she met a new guy. Hence either I'm liar or out of her league. Now I'm not a fan of lying to people that I want to have a relationship with; but when the truth leads you into being thought of as a liar, then lying seems like the smart choice. So it's either I tell the truth and have people believe I'm a fraud or lie and not have people see the real me. Either way I lose, hence the dating hiatus.

The Guilty Pleasures of Life

Whether it's sipping a 40 year old scotch or an 18 year old hooker, we've all got our vices. I'm no different, but I've always preferred the guilty pleasures that most guys would ignore. So you may ask, what is my big sin? Well Gossip Girl, sure it's basically a Soap Opera, but it's a soap opera with very hot women; plus when you’re chatting a woman up at the bar it's always helpful to have something to talk about. These days you'd be hard pressed to find a twenty-something that's not addicted to the show. Whether it be Twilight or the latest issue of who's sleeping with whom; for a guy, these talking points could mean the difference from batting a 100 to going at it solo. Overall the chick-lit genre is one every guy should know at least something of, if showing their softer side worked for Sears, it's a safe bet that it will work for you too.

Wrapping It All Up

I'm still very sick, but hey it did get me out of class for a couple of weeks; sometimes you have to take the wins where you can find them. I can't remember if I said that J (of M and J) is in drug rehab, I ran into her to give her a check that she had dropped outside her flat. Hell, if it wasn't for her daughter being right there, it might have even scored me a lay. Honestly, she looked shocked about how the check ended up outside, although she knew it was missing. Maybe J had taken it and that's how he steals money from her... at this point who knows. The girl I've been chatting up with for a couple of weeks (the one I turned into a pot dealer by the way, if I didn't tell that story, I'll make sure to include it in a later post) has announced on her Facebook status that she met a really cool guy when she was out (not me), and honestly I'm glad. I may not always find that my life is peaches and cream, but it's my life none the less. Let's call her B1 since she won't be talked about much longer. B1 wants to get married (she's 19) and she's been engaged twice already. I take care of my elderly mom, and even though sometimes she really pisses me off, she's still my mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I know what happens to people to in nursing homes and I couldn't bear to do that to my mom, B1 seemed to imply that when the day comes I should put her first. I lied and said that I would. Also I told B1 one of my hopes and dreams and she seemed to knock them down rather quickly as silly (although she put in much nicer words). In B1's world, people are ordinary (at least the ones she knows) and nothing really of interest ever happens to them; they don't become famous, they're not heroes, and most importantly they give up on the things that help them get up in the morning. Dreams for B1 are for the next generation, for with them lies the hopes and dreams and the chances that B1 never had. Honestly I'm glad that B1 has meet someone other than me; cause now I don't have to give the whole it's not you, it's me speech. I've had the thing ready to go for what feels like weeks, but I never had the courage to send it. As for myself, even if I'm not always happy... I've still got my dreams.

Hold on Tight

Just got the album "Hold on Tight" from Hey Monday, and when I say "got" I mean "fell of a truck" and when I “fell of a truck” I mean “stole” and when I say “stole” I mean “I pirated it”, and when I say “I pirated it” I mean I took the high seas in a pirate costume and pillaged a passing ship with flag of the RIAA. So how was your day?