I’m Celibate

It’s hard sometimes, I’m celibate for many reasons.  Unfortunately they are just way too complicated to get into right now.  I’ve been doing it now for a few years, my work requires it; or it use to till I stopped doing what I was doing.  I know it makes me sound like gigolo, but sadly that’s not it.  The worst part about giving it up is that even the slightest glance from a woman or for that matter any attention at all, starts to drive me up the wall.  Most of the time it’s easy, I keep myself occupied with activities, but going out in public when there’s a lot of woman my age, is hard to put it mildly.  I love older women (more of a side note actually)….  I’ve always been picky when it comes to women.  In my mind if I’m ever lucky to get married, I want to be once and forever (that’s not to say I wouldn’t know when I’d need to call it quits).  For me it’s like 1 in million, I just get attracted to a unique quality of a women, and that’s it for me… I’m hooked.  Love is love, of course you can probably tell by the way that I talk that I believe in love in first at sight.  Sometimes it’s hard being young (24) and seeing everyone paired up, even if I know that marriages on average (50%) end in divorce.  Recently, I was weak and tried to cling to a couple of women that I met.  That one that I mentioned (B1), thankfully found a guy; so the text messages have stopped.  A1 is new, but hers to have stopped.  She’s really compatible with me, but I know we can’t have a future together.  She loves scifi and is probably a bigger geek than me.  I got another letter this week from M and I get them as constant reminders that my life maybe short lived.  I’ve thought about leaving the country, but M knows I’ve got things keeping me here; so sadly it’s not an option at this moment.  I’ve been watching Chuck, I never even saw an episode till this weekend; and now I’d say it’s one of the best shows on TV.  Seeing Chuck in love with the blonde woman, is just a big reminder of my own life.  I can see, but not touch.  I know some people might just say, “why don’t you just have a one night stand?”  I’m just not really that type of person, for me sex is a very special thing between two people that love each other.  I’ve never been able to just turn it off.  The hardest part of the whole staying clean is turning down offers (very hard).  I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself; if my girlfriend got hurt, because someone came after me and she got hurt instead.  I hope one day to be free with the whole death knocking at my door thing, but for now I know that I have to be careful.  I’ve tried to turn off my “no one night stand” rule, but it’s hard.  I mean most people say that they would sacrifice their happiness for the the person they love, even putting their life down to save theirs… I’m doing it for someone, the worst part is that I don’t even know her name.