More Explaining

See I’ve been poor and hungry before, and my freelancing pays most of the bills.  Climbing up from the bottom is tough and I’ve had to sacrifice things alone the way.  I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that my mom hasn’t changed after everything that’s happened.  When I was a kid I always assumed that she was like me and planned everything out and that she had a backup for when things went wrong, I remember when we moved my senior of high school and thinking things would be better.  Then I had to drop out of college cause we didn’t have enough money, it was one of many times I would drop out for various things.  I ate macaroni and cheese cause thats what I could afford.  You always expect your parents to look out for you or least take care of themselves.  My story is very complicated to say the least, but I was hoping that I didn’t have to bail her out.  Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enjoy Christmas, I mean there’s too many bad memories attached that everytime I see a tree or hear Christmas music I’m just going to get reminded of the bad times.  One day I’ll be married and have kids, and I’ll have to learn how to fake being happy at the holidays.  Things with C I think worked out for the best, I’ve got way too many problems to even entertain a relationship for a long time.  I need to focus on work, and maybe one day I’ll be able to focus on me.  I had to give up my youth and not do the things most people my age have done just so I could stay alive or keep food on the table.  I know complaining doesn’t help and what’s done is done, but I have issues.  I never went to any of my high school proms, not because I couldn’t have gotten a date (11th grade I couldn’t have gotten one, but maybe 12th), but mainly because I could afford to rent a tux.  I never went on a senior trip, or went to spring break.  Now I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m expected to be a serious adult that wants to settle down.  I never had a chance to wild and crazy, and settling down would just be admitting that I lose and I let it beat me.  I wanted to be young and carefree and what I got was to grow up really fast and act like an adult.  I know people, other people have it rough too.  I didn’t have the money to go out on my 21st birthday drinking and get wasted.  I didn’t have the money to blow on expensive drinks that I could make cheaper at home and money for a cab ride home and one to go pick up my car; well that was out of the question.  It’s not that life is hard, it’s that I missed out things that even people with crappy lives get to have.  I guess the whole money issue is just the tip of a much bigger problem.  I’m not happy where I live and I want to move.  I have some business plans that could work, but it’s hard to get motivated when you’ve got other problems on your mind.  I have to be a full time student, work, and run a household.  It would be one thing if I didn’t have to take care of my mom, but I can’t even take a girl back to my place; because my mom will criticize and let’s face I don’t want to have sex if I know she’ll hear it.  Basically I have to sacrifice my life to keep hers running and sometimes it’s hard.

No Christmas Presents for Me Again

Well I had planned to buy myself a bluray burner for Christmas and maybe the Chuck season 1 bluray box… but thats not going to happen.  Basically I have to give what little money I have to mom, ironically so she can buy me a present and pay some other bills, cause she didn’t keep track of what she was spending this month.  I had planned to pay the cable and internet, but that will get pushed back a month, of course that means I’ll have a 100 less next month.  Plus I have a doctors deductible to fullfill in January so I’ll basically have nothing left over in January either.  I thought money might be tight and maybe thought that I’d have like $40 to spend on my self maybe for some Makezine kits or just something so I don’t feel like a complete loser.  Yeah I’m back to hating Christmas and wanting it just to end.  So I’ll be missing out again, plus the whole caroling thing is rapidly approaching; which that serves as another reminder of why I hate this time of year.  Its not like its the first time life has been crap, the only thing I’ve even eaten today is a family size bag of steam corn.  So I’m hungry and there’s no food, plus the little tradition I use to have of buying myself something is of course blown out of the water.  This is why writing is so difficult for me, you can’t think about writing when you’re poor and hungry.

Strange Evening Indeed

So I talked to D(old friend and he’s male) and I talked about old times.  He’s not a close friend he use to be, but then he said something bad when he thought I wasn’t in the room and I don’t exactly trust him anymore.  I guess you could say I stay close for a chance at revenge.  I also spent sometime looking people up on facebook.  The nice thing is since the privacy settings changed there’s so much info that’s been made public, so I can really delve into people’s past.  Then I was looking for L….  I couldn’t find her facebook, but I know shes on Myspace; so I messaged her.  I know I shouldn’t have but I was feeling homesick, so I thought what the hell.  I sent off this long message and ranted on, it felt good.  L is the only woman who my mother ever approved of… it says a lot I know.  L was the first girl that I ever really felt in love with.  The relationship has had a lot of baggage, but a while back we made up.  I think we’re both in different places.  Normally I won’t even consider a woman with a kid, but her well she’s different.  I’ve never met a woman who could even come close to L.  I have such high standards I know, but I guess part me compares every woman to L.  I guess I’ll get an email today or tomorrow… most likely right now when I check my messages.

No Response from C what a Surprise

Yeah I know like what I surprise.  Since she hasn’t removed me from the event, I’m guessing she just has my mail forwarded to trash.  At least I have the pleasure of knowing that I RSVP’ed and having people not know who I am and asking “hey where is that guy we don’t know who RSVP’ed?”  Sometimes its the simple pleasures in life that keep you going.  At one point I thought about seducing her sister, cause she has a big phobia that her sister is better than her.  I do wonder what C told her sister when they talked about the message I sent.  These past several past weeks have shown how a guy that just sleeps with women for sex and lies to them just to get it… is born.  I still don’t know if I’m there or not.  I’m different to say the least.  I still want the girl of my dreams, but I’m going to be way more careful from now on.  I guess there were warning signs to her unstable nature, but even though I felt something was off; I didn’t listen.  I took almost 6 years to come close to say “I love you”, and it will most likely be another 6.  It would be funny to know where I’d be in 6 years.  My allergies are starting up again….

Christmas Might be Dead

Ever since I moved a few years back and since I didn’t have very many friends as a result of it, I buy myself Christmas Presents.  I’ve sort of hit that age where most of my friends from high school are either jealous of me or they just plain don’t want anything to do with me.  I know it happens, with time most friendships don’t last.  I just always imagined that I would be long gone from here and moved on to some other city and getting to start over and meeting new people… but I’m still here.  So I have this tradition of buying myself stuff since otherwise I might get like one thing from one person, if even that.  I told you I was messed up.  It didn’t happen over night and it wasn’t tragic, that’s a lie it was, but I hope it changes one day.  This year I was hoping to get myself a bluray player… really wanted one.  Although it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen since I don’t have much money left over this month.  I wasn’t even going to buy a nice standalone since I have a crappy old tv, but I wanted one for my computer (cause that's the nicest screen I own and the desk chair is the comfiest chair I own).  I’ve never had much family or the type of friends who bought me gifts for Christmas, so I’ve never really understood the buying frenzy that happens this time of year.  It’s not like I have these unreal expectations of getting something super nice, it’s just I never really get anything; hence the buying myself something.  Then I have the whole C reminder of that caroling thing, and the fact that I’m not going and I’m not with her anymore.  So it’s another big nail in the coffin of Christmas Cheer for me.  I don’t get or understand the part about families getting together during the holidays cause I never had that, for me it’s just another normal day.  I have boxes of stuff I could go through maybe I’ll find something I forgot about, so maybe I can have faux christmas presents.  I don’t want to sound petty, but when people complain that they had a horrible Christmas, that the people gave them something horrible or that they didn’t even try… well you don’t know lack of trying until you don’t get anything… not even a Christmas Card.

My Email Went Unheard

C is a bit of geek so there’s no way she didn’t read the email, or she forwarded all messages from me to the trash… so I’m ignored either way.  I almost went two weeks and I thought that I was okay… then a I get message from her.  Yeah I was up most of the night and the whiskey helped me sleep.  It took almost 6 years to tell someone that I was ready to tell them I loved them.  I didn’t think it would ever happen again and when I was finally ready and comfortable enough to say it… the walk of shame happens.  I’ve been playing Finley Quaye “Dice” every time I check my mail, it’s the song that sort of fits the mood.  Part of me really want her to have her back, but I guess it really is gone.  With V I had to wait years for closure and what if’s in my head; with C I got it within two weeks.  I guess it takes care of all of those what if’s in my head, but it still hurts.  Being the good guy isn’t all that great for the good guy. 

Dexter Shocker

I was shocked by Dexter….  I’ll leave it at that if you haven’t seen the season finale.  I keep checking for an email from C.  Yeah, its a complete sign that I’m damaged.  Part of me wants her back, and part of me at least wants her to want me back.  I don’t expect it, but this has to be the ultimate sign that I’m damaged as a person.  I want someone who wanted someone else more, or worse just used me for sex.  A part of me this week just wanted to screw every woman I could find, but I have to resist.  I shouldn’t let C be the straw that breaks my metaphorical camels back.  The only good thing about this whole experience is that I now know that I have a problem and that it’s bad.  For so long I tried to ignore it and thought that after I established myself I could go on and be normal.  I do need my safe haven and it’s going to be awhile before I’m there.  Miami sounds nice.  I think once I cut off my beard and cut my hair, C wouldn’t recognize me if I stood right next to her.  Even in a huge city like this, every now and again you do run into people you know.  I still have the parking pass from that horrible night.  I put the thing into a ziploc bag… I’ll probably frame it.  It comes with bad memories, but I want to keep it so I’ll remember and think things through more thoroughly next time I meet someone.  Now I can’t sleep and I’m watching tv… I wonder how little I’ll sleep tonight?

One More Note About C

I also told her that I don’t expect a response back….

An Email to C

I sent C an email telling her there were no hard feelings.  I told her that I would have sent her a message on Facebook, but she blocked me, so I emailed her.  I told her that I was okay and that I understood her situation, but if she could remove me of the invite thing so I don’t get anymore automated messages.  Even though I got treated so bad, part of me would even take her back; that’s just a sign of how emotional damaged I am… see I told you.  I actually doubt that she’ll get it, she probably has my mail automatically forwarded to spam or the trash folder.  She even blocked me on the im messenger, so it wouldn’t surprise me.  I feel like I’m not making much sense right now, just ranting on.  I told her about her dumping me like that and the whole carolling thing, was just another nail in the coffin for why I’m not much for Christmas (hey I should at least get one shot in… she loves Christmas).  I think its going to be a long time before I open up to someone like that again and never again will I be so open like that so quickly.  I think I’ll have a glass of Whiskey.

Heart Just Skipped a Beat

Currently Listening: Finley Quaye – Dice

The song just feels right for the moment and my stomach is still sour.  I just got a message on Facebook from C… yeah I feel light headed.  I’m not quite ready to read it.  Will it be bad like I’m a piece of shit or the list of what's wrong with me?  Will it be she came to her senses?  I feel like I could puke, or it could just be the caroling thing she wanted me to do.  It’s got to be some automated message for the carols thing, she blocked me so I think she just never deleted me and I can’t respond how wonderful.

Me and Preston Ponders

For a long time I’ve tried to be like everyone else.  I’ve tried college (its still the backup plan if everything goes wrong), I’ve tried having a normal job, and I’ve tried having a normal relationship; I’ve failed at all of them.  The fact is, is that I can never be normal because I’m not.  I’m not the guy who gets married, has kids and lives in the suburbs, and works 9 to 5… I’m the guy that you read about in the paper who’s done something amazing and unforgettable.  I’m the guy who makes your life just a little bit easier, because I risk my life to make the world better.  I’m not saying that I’m some super spy or that I hold the world in my hands.  It’s just that I can’t except the world for the way it is, I want it to be better than it is.  I’ve risked my life to do what I thought was right and while most people may never know it; I do, and for me at least, it helps to keep me going.  For too long I’ve tried to keep myself and my secret life separate, but now I know that’s impossible.  I’m not two people, I’m one.  While I look normal, my skill set isn’t exactly something you can pick up in school; and for that reason alone is why I have to be me and finally accept that.  There’s something big on the horizon and it’s been brewing for a while.  At minimum I’ll write myself into the history books for catching a notorious criminal, likes the world has never seen; all the while rewriting the history books in the process.  When the dust settles I’m not quite sure who I’ll be, the only thing I know is that for once it will be all me.

College Over and Out

I’m listening to Phantom Planet “California”, just thought you should know.  I use to be so addicted to the song when “The OC” was on, but like most people I stopped watching after some point.  My stomach feels weird today even though I haven’t eaten anything, wait scratch that… I had Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies for breakfast (food of the gods).  I checked the college bylaws about my situation and they don’t look good.  With the medication I’m on I would be lucky to do a half ass job and even then I would have a 66% of getting kicked out.  Plus the other option isn’t good enough to secure my future.  For me college never quite worked out, it was always that thing that had something get in my way of completing it.  Even thought I’ve had lots of crap happen to me, I still wouldn’t change my past.  Back when I was 18 I was a hopeless idiot (but a smart idiot), I didn’t have dreams and could only think about settling in and getting an average job and having an average life.  Since then I’ve had more weirdness and excitement than most people have in their whole lives.  Sure it’s been rough, but its never been boring; I can do things that most people can only dream of.  I’m the hacker the you see in the movies that could rob a bank and retire on some quiet island.  I don’t because I’ve got morals and a pretty big conscience.  I doubt the rest of my life will be anything close to normal.  Maybe I don’t ever find a girl that I can tell all of my adventures to out of fear she wouldn’t believe me if I did, but these past several years have made me a better person inside and out.

I Just Can’t Believe

The one day that I need to have a working internet connection, I don’t.  This upcoming week is finals and I’m screwed.  The finals aren’t even worth that much, but without a internet connection I can’t get the info I need to complete my missing work.  I know that I should have done this weeks ago, or even doing it when I first heard about it at the beginning of the semester.  I’m so screwed, I figured I could work something out if I turned in everything tomorrow morning along with my notes.  So my long term plans this holiday season apparently are going to include appling to some other schools.  I just hate this and its like nothing is working for me.  Plus I haven’t been able to write this whole semester because of school.  If I could just have the time to write and I could get published, life would be simpler.  Honestly, if I had a book deal going I wouldn’t even be going to school.  People I know that have english degrees typically don’t even work in the field let alone publishing a book; these days most are unemployed.  Then the people who have published books, hell they don’t even have degrees half of the time.  Maybe flunking out cause I was sick is just what I need, who knows.  I’m hoping that I can still salvage this somehow, maybe there is some obscure school bylaw that allows me a do over, or hell maybe the internet will come back on.  I’m writing this now even though I’ve go no available internet connection… posting later. 

Bodies Piling Up

I have multiple im accounts on various services; some are for work and some for pleasure.  You have to have accounts with all of them, because you never know what service a contact uses and having 2 minutes to signup for an account before a potential business opportunity closes isn’t the time.  Most people tend to use one and just one, that’s another reason.  I was going through my lists of buddies and I found quite a lot of them are people that have either stopped using those accounts (cause I never see them logged on) or they have themselves set to invisible to me.  Sure it happens, but almost all of them are ex’s of mine whether they be former friends or girlfriends.  I like to think that people can be friends after they break up, but looking at my buddylist you apparently can’t.  Sure I could delete them and just forget about them, like they have about me.  Although sometimes the screenname is the only thing you have left of a person, some relationships are short and you don’t exactly have anything to remember them by; so a screenname becomes the only memento that you have left of them.  I do use Pidgin at least so I only need one client instead of 4 or 5, plus you can run multiple accounts at the same service; the only downside is that advanced features that are client specific are left out. 

Smoking in Bed

My neighbor has her bedroom right next to mine (we share a wall).  She smokes and sometimes I smell the smoke.  Now at first I didn’t like it, but now I’m like craving a cigarette.  Like on the level of I want it more than sex.

Cold Meetings

So I didn’t go to class today, but not for the reason you might think.  I was watching Burn Notice and an episode came up about Michael meeting a contact cold with no introduction.  The whole thing was inspirational, but yeah I normally never do cold meetings of any kind.  It’s because you don’t know what to expect, but also I didn’t know if I got dropped or if my professors would take the opportunity to yell at my arrogance in class (had that happen once).  I’m normally all about the power play and how to make sure that I’m the one who’s at the advantage… that’s why I didn’t go.  I’m working on or trying to at least my assignments for my Friday class.  I’ve got a simple outline paper and a powerpoint to do… so it's easy stuff.  I was rewatching the Being Erica episode and I just love that quote and the whole “Alice in Wonderland” theme of the episode, plus this quote:

Alice came to a fork in the road.  "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I’m on this whole “Alice in Wonderland” theme, and it’s really inspiring me to pick up the book… I’ve never read it.  Tomorrow I’m ready to be all badass and stuff… seriously.

Chasing Class

So I didn’t go to class today and I was terrified and having multiple panic attacks.  I watched a lot of Burn Notice and I can always watch that, it makes me feel good.  Then I talked with my mom for a few hours about going back to school tomorrow and trying to fix the fact that I haven’t been to class for a month because I was sick.  Afterwards I felt better and maybe I’m still a bit jumpy.  Then I started to watch last night’s Being Erica and it felt like the episode was calling out to me.  I’ve always been in love with “Being Erica” cause it’s like sci-fi and the star Erin Karplunk is just so hot.  Plus afterwards you feel like you learned an important life lesson, but it’s not like screaming in your face.  Over the past two seasons I’ve rewatched the episodes over and over again, and I feel like it has helped… I feel like being honest about my problems and blogging about them has helped (being anonymous helps too!)  Last night’s episode was about her and school and her learning that she has basically made decisions her whole life that made other people happy and putting her happiness second.  Plus the whole starting a business thing, that just echoes my life into levels of weirdness I can’t even begin to describe.  I just feel better now, I love when a show is so well written that it leaves you feeling good.  The 20th is going to be hard, it’s when I was suppose to meet C’s family and go caroling.  Yeah I’m sad about it, and maybe a bit paranoid.  I guess what I’m mad is that I don’t know what C was thinking and that C’s ex planned to stay there for a couple of weeks and leave again.  I guess that if I got a chance to do it over with L or T, I might make the same bad decision.  Maybe the whole thing was a test from God that I’m suppose to learn something about myself and not to look back like I normally do everyday.  I will say that I feel better now about the whole C thing and maybe that’s what was suppose to happen.  Sure we talked for a few days but it was really a one night stand.  It was painful, but I think maybe I can close off that part of my life now and maybe for the first time I can look forward.  Don’t get me wrong I’m still lonely, I’ve got school to worry about, and the future of my writing is still up in the air.  Oh, I almost forget I’m planning on taking a semester off so I can get my whole asthma thing straight and get my backup business plans setup correctly.  For me school has been at least for the past 5 years a backup plan; if it all goes to hell, I’ve got school.  So I need to finish, but I need to make sure I’m ready and that I’m calm and that I’ve got my head in the game.  I’ve tried to go to school before and failed for one reason or another, so it’s important that I can make school a priority for a change, instead of an afterthought.  Every time I write a post whether it’s a sentence or a page long, I feel better.  Even though I don’t expect many people to ever see this, if you’re unsure about something I highly recommend just starting up a blog and writing about whatever you want.  I know I’ve only been doing it for a while and sometimes I don’t write for weeks and then I write like 5 posts in a day; but I’m happier then I was before.  I’m almost sad that I didn’t start doing it earlier.  As for tomorrow I’m still scared, I don’t know how they are going to react, but the worst thing is if I get kicked out for not telling them I was sick and gone for so long; or they don’t give me the semester off, or I just plain flunk out cause I’ve been gone for so long.  It’s not like it’s the only school around and I want a semester off anyway and it’s the perfect time to put in an application for another school.  So I guess what I’m trying to tell myself is that even if it goes bad, it’s not the end of the world; and even if does go to hell, I can always start over.

 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein)

This quote never meant so much to me… till now anyways.

Whoring Myself Out

I started blogging many many years ago (virtually an old timer by tech standards).  I just read Nofirstdate.com and found out the guy who does it won’t be posting anymore unless he get’s a $100 (pay for play… a $100 yields one post).  He’s working on a book and I sort of understand since he’s only made $40 in ads for all of the work he’s done.  It’s understandable and I get it, but there’s nothing worse than starting something and not finishing it.  I guess that’s why I’m blogging on this blog and have no interest in ads.  I can say what I want because there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever find out who I really am, so I can basically say what other people are afraid to… and it feels great.  Overall I’m very happy and this therapy is so great.  Being anonymous and yes I’m anonymous (I’m running through several proxy servers and through the tor network; and on top of that I’m stealing my neighbors wifi… so good luck hunting!)  I have no desire to ever make money off of this site, although I wouldn’t exactly mind writing a book or having the movie rights sold… like you would turn it down if someone wanted to make a movie about your life.  Anyways, I got a few hours of sleep before, so I’m quite awake but I’m very hungry.  There’s nothing to eat and I know I should have eaten at Taco Bell (god I love quesadillas and apple empanadas), and that Mountain Dew Baja Blast is like heaven.

Diet Blogs

So today I rediscoverd diet blogs, it’s not that they’re new to me, it’s just been a while since I looked at one.  It’s weird how I always seem to find the ones with chicks that have a couple of pounds extra and to be honest they’re pretty hot.  Maybe I’m just desperate for someone to love me, other than family.  I would love to have some love me, I forgot what it feels like.  I’ve had this habit of telling the women I shouldn’t have that I love them, and the woman I should have told them and never doing so.  I’m sure it’s karma, but I know the fantasy of women I can’t have; I just get reminded of the quote, “No matter how bad you wanna fuck some body, I can guarantee there’s some guy who’s tried of fucking her”.  I’ve never been the sort of guy obsessed with sex, because sex is that… just sex.  Having someone to hold and cuddle with, to talk your problems over with, that’s why I want to be in a relationship.  I just sort of realized that I’m technically in my mid 20’s and I nearly shit myself when the thought popped into my head.  I don’t really have any friends that are successful in any definition of the word.  I really want a woman to tell me that she loves me, well I can dream at least.

Out to the Movies

A hundred years ago people still went to plays and saw burlesque shows… nowadays we’ve got the movies.  Sure they don’t get the respect that going to the theatre does, but to say one is better than the other is simply the pot calling the kettle black.  TV and Movies brought mass entertainment to everyone, no matter how rich or small.  These days is it even possible to find someone who doesn’t own a tv or a computer?  For me it’s rare to find a movie or a tv show that changes my view on life.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting older and hopefully wiser, but I like to think it’s because of the things I read and things I watch.  Watching the second part of Alice brought me back mentally to a time when things were just simpler.  As a kid I didn’t have much of an imagination and I couldn’t relate with the fact that other kids did.  It was when other kids stopped dreaming that I started to, and since then I’ve never stopped.  The world is more interesting if you don’t accept the black and white regime that society imposes on you, to think there’s something more… it just makes life worth living.  When I watch a great piece of fiction I can almost imagine that I’m there, and that’s why I don’t get reality television.  Well it’s more like I don’t get the people that watch it, it was always my belief that watching TV or reading should be an escape from reality.  I mean who wants to live in reality all day long, and then come home to watch it again on tv.  Seems like that some people are just missing out, or have they just accepted the world as black and white and just don’t dare to dream anymore?

I Wanna Get Married

I have those days where I forget about how hard dating is and what troubles it brings my life and how I just wanna be married sometimes.  I know it’s crazy I can’t even find a woman who isn’t borderline psychotic, but it’s fun to dream.  I finished watching Syfy’s Alice (modern updated alice in wonderland) and it was so good.  I actually cried at the end when the Hatter (not that mad, but a con artist) comes back to Alice… it was very sweet.  It’s the softer side of me that normally attracts the ladies, but I’ve learned that my judgment isn’t always the best.  In a nutshell, if I fancy a girl it’s best to run very fast.  I’ve learned that lists and desires don’t mean anything, plans are for people who haven’t realized the world is random.  I have to run to the doctor in like 10 minutes, but I’m feeling so high right.  I like indulge days like this, because they are rare; and when they happen they need to be embraced and worshiped.  I’m thinking of taking a semester off to get my bearings straight, so I can figure out what I want and plus to fix these nagging problems that I’ve lacked to fix so far.  I do it because I need to have a clear head and for once in my life I just want to think about what I want.  Plus avoiding C’s sister is another, and then there’s R… who after a month thinks I’m long gone, but will see me again Thursday.  You know I’ve never had a steady girlfriend, even with T; we were on and off again so much I could barely keep track.  I’ve always wanted to have a steady relationship.  Someone who’s not going to try and change me, and then I can just be on a equal playing field with.  I’m not looking for a woman to replace my mother, although C in her likeliness of my mother made me realize that I do have issues with my mother.  I want a friend first and a lover second.  I know it will happen, but why does if have to take so long?

One Month Gone

Tomorrow I’ve got to make my case for why I was gone for a month.  I could run and accept this whole semester as loss, and start fresh in 9 months.  I could spend the whole night fixing my problems (no sleep and plenty of coffee) and work out how I’m going to bullshit everything in the morning.  Then there’s the idea of fixing the problems I’ve got and take the next months off to recoup.  None of the ideas are great ideas in themselves and all of them require me losing something.  At the moment my blood is coursing through with plenty of muscle relaxers so what I’m actually capable of at the moment is quite limited.  Now I’m assuming everything that I need is the stuff that I already know about and that their aren’t any surprises around the corner (I’m sure there is).  Now I’m from the old school of thought, when you’ve lost everything, things can’t get much worse… so trying to gain something is better than the option of going away with nothing.  If I wasn’t so drugged up (medication is so wonderful isn’t it?) pulling an all nighter wouldn’t exactly be out of the question… but in this state it’s less than desirable.  Plus lying to cover my tracks has certain disadvantages like unless I pull it off without a hitch, people will want proof.  In every sense of the word… there’s no way I’m not losing something tomorrow.

Through the Looking Glass

So I’ve got my first class in about a month and I’m very nervous.  There’s a competition at school tonight, most schools have something on the weekends to keep students on campus, or at least to try.  They’ve got some singing competition and I was suppose to meet C there.  Her sister and I go to the same university.  I feel like I’m not allowed to attend tonight considering she burned me; even though it’s my school not hers.  Plus I’m not one for school sponsored events, so the odds of me showing up at all would have been slim anyway.  As well as if I don’t show C and her sister will probably keep an eye out for me the whole night.  So if I can at least make her nervous and keep her on edge, it’s worth not going; because the anticipation of pain is worse than the pain its self.  I still feel different today, so my new view on life wasn’t a temporary moment of insanity, or I guess this is my new sanity.  I haven’t been reading my usual news sites for days, so maybe the change has been a while coming, and just needed that little push.  I figure I’ve got a week to fix all my school problems.  I really want to get a book published more now than ever before.  C and her sister both want to be published authors, so if I could get a best seller… I would just love to see their faces, when they found that out.  Even better would be to do a signing here at the bookstore and god it would be wonderful if they showed up to get their books signed… that would be heaven.  I know revenge is petty, but just having C know that she missed out on something big would be nice closure. 

Emails

I really wish I could post all of the emails that I’m talking about, but that of course reveal who I am… maybe one day when I’m sure certain people have forgotten about me.  Well, apparently some have already; but I just want to be safe about it.  When we first started sending emails to each other, I told C that I was listening to “Bad Romance” from Lady Gaga.  She said wow, that’s not romantic at all.  I responded that I love the chorus and her voice in that song.  Ironically, that’s how it turned out to be a very bad romance.  I forget what stage of dealing with loss that I’m currently in, although I will say that I’ve been mood jumping all day.  On the brightside I’ve written more for this blog than I’ve written in weeks.  I actually think C’s sister didn’t block me, but I remember that C had her sisters password and even looked something up for her one time when we were on the phone.  I think her sister generally felt sorry for me.  I will say her sister was pretty hot and the fact that she loved Doctor Who, only made her way more attractive.  It’s a rare thing to find a woman into Doctor Who here in the States.  The ironic part is that I know at least her sister went to the Baltimore Con a few weeks ago.  I almost went to that same con, cause someone I was talking to was planning on going.  Yeah I think my grim reaper costume, that I use in case of a “need of costume emergency” has just had it.  I need to upgrade, but to what?  I was thinking of a Doctor Who costume.  I was planning on doing the 5th doctor, because as that short put it, “not many people can pull off a vegetable” (in reference to the celery stick he wore on his blazer). 

I’m feeling Better

So I got dumped in the worst way possible and I got hit on by a gay guy.  I’m not expecting tomorrow to be all that great either.  I’m at least putting myself back together.  Plus my writing seems to have been on a upsurge.  Having bad experiences never hurts writers or musicians careers… only improves them.  I have some assignments to do for tomorrow and I’m just like maybe I’ll blow them off or something.  I’m at risk for failing the semester cause I was sick for like a whole month, but I had doctors notes for every single class I missed.  I’ve been listening to a band called Frightened Rabbit and their song “Keep yourself warm”.  Basically the line that’s been hitting home to me today is, “You can’t find love in a hole”.  So so right.  Having lots of sex isn’t going to make you happy or feel complete, it’s only going to remind you of what’s wrong, plus C wasn’t very good at it either.  On the bright side she told me last night that I was good at getting her off with my finger, so I guess all didn’t go so bad. 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein)

Wrong Problem

It’s always nice to know that if I was gay, I could do very well.  I just had a guy hit on me.  I don’t care what people do, it’s their own personal business. I just get uncomfortable, I mean really uncomfortable when a guy hits on me.  Plus how do you respond to that, I mean I don’t want to be rude, it just shocks me sometimes.  I’m friendly and I like to start conversations when other people would be uncomfortable.  So yeah, it’s not the first time it’s happened and I guess I should be flattered.  Although I’m grossed out by it.

Why I don’t tell family about new relationships

I actually told my mom quite bit about c last night, and she asked if I was going out to see her again tonight.  This is one of those times I just want to lie and have to really.  I can either make my mom think I’m cold bastard or think that I’m a loser.  I saw an ad on rants and raves that has only a few details that are different from me.  Me it’s that answer that I wanted so badly.  From this day on I can be celibate to I’m married, that is if I ever can learn to trust women again; or I wake up one day as just another womanizer.  Either way I’m not the same guy and I don’t I can ever get that back.  I have to move on, without real closure.  Maybe it makes me a better writer, cause you always hear about pain for making a good writer whether it’s books or music.  Part of me now just wants to be famous, so that on the off chance C might see my book on the shelve or come to a book signing… so she can see what she lost.  I think in the end I was naive to think the way I do.  Most people kid themselves that good looks aren’t the most important thing, but they are, most people just can’t admit it.  I lowered my standards and I still got trashed.  I already feel myself closing off to the person I once was.  I’m not sure which road I’ll end up on.  Most likely I’m going to be celibate for a very long time, but I’m pretty sure that will change once I’m completely happy with myself… the womanizer will be born.  Women are even worse than men, they just whine more about it so you think its only the mens fault.  Whatever doubts that I had about wanting a real close relationship are gone.  I guess in a way I can thank her setting my conscience free, I was always concerned about how other people saw me; now I don’t really care at all.  I think I can for once freely focus on my goals without having loneliness getting in the way.  I have eat much of anything in days, I couldn’t eat cause I was so happy; now I just want to rub my success in her face.  The hard part now is lying to my mother, she’s one of those people who can read me no matter what.  My life is totally different now, I’m sure I can focus on what needs to be done, I don’t sleep so much or haven’t been lately.  I feel like I can do what I wasn’t strong enough to do before.  Maybe that’s good or bad, I’ll eventually find out.  People who’ve focused on their careers think they’ve always might have the wrong path, but in reality now I think they’re the truly wise ones.  I use to want a really intelligent woman, now dumb and blonde.  I’ve never had good taste in women and my judgment has always been bad.   I’m a new man.

C and Not Me

So I emailed C’s sister and you know it was one of those things that maybe I shouldn’t have done.  I figured all ties would just get broken anyway, and I want to make sure she was okay.  If I couldn’t maybe she could.  Instead both of them blocked me on facebook.  This of course of was after she sent me an email saying that she would look into it, but instead I wanted to respond back and found the blocking.  She’s like this is not like her and that she would look into it.  I must have done something so horrible, just to get dropped like this.  Her sister even seemed optimistic that we might even still have a chance.  I almost considered it and then I went to click on her profile to reply… link forwarded to my own page.  Gee, I feel like pure shit.  I’m mad that I wasted all this time on her and that I put really important things off for her, but I’m also sad that not only was this other guy she broke up not good enough for her… neither was I.  I know I’m charming and I can lie with ease when need be, but I’ve never used to them to manipulate people.  Now I’m actually considering it,  for the first time in my life I understand guys who just sleep around and dont care about the people they actually hurt.  Women are just the same.  I was such a good guy and this whole has changed me.  I’m not the same person that I was yesterday, hell I don’t even want the same things as yesterday.  What I do want is to shove my success up those two aholes ass’s.  I was so worried about making a good impression, C must have told her sister something so horrible that I was like a threat to their safety.  Honestly I think that’s what it was that maybe she said something along those lines like she just slept with me to get rid of me or something.  That I was horrible or something about me was.  Sometimes I want to be successful in life for me, sometimes it's cause I want to rub it in peoples faces… this is one of those times.  I could become a monk after this encounter, it was that bad.  I will honestly say that I’m going to be completely celibate from now on, and if I ever have sex again it will be when I’m married.  Either that or I lose some weight gain a lot of muscle, and bang anything with a vagina in sight.  Today I’m different and while I’m stronger than yesterday, I’m not sure if the old me would have wanted to be friends with the new me.  What could be so horrible?

Worst Night of My Life

So I spent the past few days talking to C and even lapsed on homework that I was suppose to do.  We had this thing planned for saturday and it was going to be special.  I thought I was falling in love again.  She talked me into coming over, our sex got interrupted several times and then she got a phone call that her ex was back in town.  I know it sounds all movie-esque and everything… but sadly this guy’s a wandering moron.  I had to do the walk of shame… I felt bad.  She had promised that if I came over and had sex I could stay the night.  Instead I had to get in the car and drive for several hours.  I wasted most of my evening, plus I have class that I normally get up for at 5am.  I have to lie a lot, my past isn’t something I’m always proud of.  I hated having to gather my clothes up and leave.  After I took over two hours to get home, I showered and then I sent an email to her.  I told her that it was okay and that we could work it out… that we could be a team.  This was the night after sex, that we were going to cuddle and I was going to hold her in my arms and say that I love her.  Instead I got back that this guy is the reason she broke up with her last boyfriend.  Basically from what I understand is that he’ll be gone in two weeks.  The other night she told me how lonely she was and basically described the symptoms of serious depression.  Yet she goes back to this guy and says that hes the love of her life.  I feel like that scene in Angel when Angel sleeps with Darla and he wakes up with an epiphany that he has to change his life and not go down this dark road.  For me it’s that I took two years to start dating again, and it’s over in less than a course of a week.  I feel like that I’m not really that good enough.  I’m a good guy and I’ll give second chances even when I shouldn’t; but this is the reason why good guys like me become the guys that just sleep around and don’t care about any woman's feelings.  I feel like crap and that I’m not good enough for someone that I opened my heart to and I thought she felt that way too.  I told my mom about her, and about how wonderful she is and how she can cook and do this and that.  Now I have to make up some lie as to why I won’t be seeing her anymore.  I even added her to my 5 faves in tmobile cause we talked so damn much it would have eaten up my phone bill.  I realize that I was right to focus on my career and not on a relationship.  People will use you and hurt you and honestly I’ve never really met anyone who hasn’t abused me in some way.  It’s the type of night that I just want to drink away, but I’ve got class in 4 hours and I can’t miss them and I have to sit there and just take it while my life crumbles to pieces again.  I put off papers that I needed to write because I was just so happy that I spent all my time talking to her.  With almost dying several times and feeling like your life was almost over isn’t as bad as I feel now.  I’m going to focus on what I want (my career) and school and getting in shape.  I’ve always wanted six pack abs and I’m not doing it so I can abuse women and throw them out, like just what happened to me.  I just want to do something for me.  I opened up to her and told her stuff I had never told anyone before… but I’m just “nice”.  I’m shocked and in pain and I have to go on with my day like nothing happened.  I lost all my friends cause I moved up here, and now I’m truly alone.  I have to make some serious changes in my life and start living it better.  I don’t think or if I do ever open up again, that it’s going to be a very long time or if ever I go and open myself up like that again.