Condom Monologues

     So I told you I had to run out for condoms yesterday, right? Well I went through the register (some old guy) and the guy rang me through, I paid, then the funny conversation started. “Have a good night!”, said the old guy; “Sure as Hell hope so!”, I said. After that I think it just dawned on him that he wished I got laid last night (I did), but the shocking look on his face after what he said was just priceless. Although, it doesn’t matter how many times you buy condoms, you still feel a little ashamed (I do anyways); like you’re the only one who uses them (considering the birth rates in my area, that statement just might be true). I normally get a cart or a basket and go straight to the condoms, then I proceed to the candy aisle (I know funny ha-ha), then to the magazine aisle; overall the goal is to buy some other stuff to cover up the condoms so other people don’t notice. Going into a store and just buying condoms is a red flag that you were about to have sex, but ran out of condoms and had to run to the store. I imagine the people who go into hardware stores just to buy a plunger and/or pipe snake, must feel somewhat similar. Although one time I couldn’t find any magazines and just went to the register with condoms and candy (Hey I needed the candy to cover up the condoms), not thinking, and then I got the worst look from the cashier. Tell your condom horror stories in the comments below.

Halloween Hoe Down!

Hello boys and girls, I hope you’re enjoying your Halloween; although most likely you’re reading this the morning after… that is after the walk of shame back to your apartment wondering why you’ve got a tramp stamp and piercing in your nose all in one night! For some people Halloween is a working holiday (me), I’m stuck writing and blogging for the paper. Every year I get tons of invites to different parties, whose main goal is literally to top each other, for some it’s all the prestige and others it’s all about getting laid. So I found out yesterday, that J is in rehab for a month; so that means I’ve got a month to have sex with M. Yes, I’m very excited. Plus the odds of J actually kicking drugs out on the first time is like winning Powerball; sure it’s likely, but I wouldn’t be counting the winnings just yet. Also M got an infection… poor M. She’s so cute and cuddly and plus a total MILF!

Out of Condoms

So I have to run to the drugstore because I’m out of condoms again. Granted, I know having a stable relationship might fix the need for using condoms (R), but until that day happens, I’ve just got to go with the flow. This is one area where I envy married people, because not having to go through condoms like m&m’s is probably something I could get quickly use to.

Horny Antibotics

So I got a note for two whole days away from college, and boy did I need it. I feel slightly better; I got antibiotics for the 3 count’em 3 infections! I have bronchitis, a sinus infection, and both ears are infected (okay technically the ears are two separate things, but I don’t want to sound like I’m directly knocking on death’s door). Although I slept really well from the antibiotics and its great and all; but know I’m constantly drowsy. Plus since I didn’t go to class Thursday I didn’t get to see R (ying to my yang remember!). Although I’ve got a primo chance for some flirting on Tuesday with R; God she just makes life worth living being around her. Also I’m horny.

Cough, Cough, Sick

Now my first intention was just to call in sick for this singular class I have on Wednesdays, but since I’ve played that card one too many times, I’m going with a flat tire.  Now the flat tire excuse is classic, but you should never use it more than once a semester per professor.  To make matters worse I actually feel bad, not sure if it’s from working too much or the fact I haven’t had a real vacation since high school.  Also I’ve got a psychology exam tomorrow and two quizzes in two other classes, so my afternoon and evening won’t exactly be wasted; but then again it’s rare these days to have any day that’s really wasted.  One trick for sleeping well on the night of an exam is a good stiff drink (a whiskey neat is my poison of choice).  Also the girl of my dreams lately, the one I’ve purposefully ignoring wasn’t in class the other day.  Granted, I know it’s probably not meant to be, but I still miss the ying to my yang.

Girls Interrupted

Amazingly, I’m still alive.  So I met this girl and to be quite honest she’s not really my type; but I give her a chance anyway.  We start talking, and even though chemistry wise we’re not really compatible; but we have stuff we talk about, so in that way it’s nice.  So eventually she tells me about her friend who use to sell coke, and then she mentions how she got laid off (this actually happened over a period of days, but for times sake I’m compressing it so it doesn’t get boring).  So I mention how it would be hot if she started selling pot.  So I get an email about how she’s suppose to meet her friends contact tomorrow, but the email was sent Sunday night, so it was today; but I read it today and thought it was tomorrow.  So tonight she basically smokes most of it up with her BFF and other friend (which by the way she put I assume guy friend).  Why is that when I get this sinking feeling about a chick that I shouldn’t even be talking to, I always end up being right about my original feeling that I shouldn’t even have talked to her in the first place.  I know that basically I sort of corrupted her, but basically she’s already dug herself pretty deep.  Women always disappoint me, seriously if they aren’t crazy; then they are just plain not worth the time to begin with… it’s like all the good ones are taken.

Shouldn’t Care, But I Do

I know I shouldn’t care if someone doesn’t apparently like me, because it’s their loss.  First off, that’s utter crap; and the moron who said that obviously hasn’t been single for the past 3 years.  Sure I know I meant to take a break from the whole dating scene, mainly due to the fact that I tend to attract the all psychopaths in a 5 mile radius, and trust me I wish I was kidding about that.  How dare her!  I mean she emailed me and responded to my ad, the least she could do is respond and make some crap up about how it’s not me it’s her, or some other crap.  I mean the polite thing would be to actually acknowledge the fact that she got them; but no, ignoring them is so much better. 

Fights Over

With my family it helps to have leverage when you enter a fight. The fine art of arguing is something I learned early in life and has served me well over the years. In other news:

I felt weird the other day so I did a spur of the moment thing and launched a personals ad on Craigslist, it's nice to know that I've still got it, and I got 8 responses, one of which was truly awesome. For me, it's all about love at first site, that instant connection you feel when you meet that truly special someone. In this case it was more of love at first type, but hey you get the point. So I emailed her back... and again... and again. I know that in the world of blackberries and smartphones, that not everyone keeps up with their email everyday. For example V finally contacted me almost a month later. Although with V, I think the fact that we've started up the small talk again, gives me the feeling, that nothing is going to happen. Sadly, sometimes you just know how it's going to end. Sure V does live 2 hours way, and no one likes long distance relationships, but I still do miss her, even if she doesn't miss me. So this chick that I felt that instant connection with (at least on my side), has either read my messages or is trying to be polite and ignore me and hope I'll go away. You know I've been single for so long, that I've forgotten how nice it was not to care. I could do what I want, when I want, and I didn't have to ask a soul. Now of all of a sudden, I have this urge to pair off just like the other animals; and it's a strange feeling indeed Miss's Robinson... a strange feeling indeed.

Chemistry Exam

So I've got a chemistry exam tomorrow morning and I was planning on studying this afternoon and going to bed early (I have to wake up at 5am to get ready for a string of classes). Also I have some homework for other classes to accomplish as well. It's not that I can't do it all tonight. It's just that my mom doesn't know how to get money out of the atm machine and I was originally going to go out and buy dinner. Now all of a sudden she wants to go out (she's a slow driver) and learn how to do it, on the night where I have a few hours left to do all of this shit and on top of it I have to wait an hour for her to get ready. I have to go out with her and sit beside her and teach her; on the one night where this could really wait. Now having to take care of a sick mom who can't take care of herself might sound honorable to most people, but most people don't realize that she can literally drive me up the wall with these things. Like for example when I was younger I could never bring a girl home (my name is on the lease), because if my mom doesn't like someone I bring home; she'll irritate my date and she'll make my life hell afterwards. Also even when I was kid, I could never bring friends home, since my mom liked to dress in her bathrobe or some old clothes with holes in them. Right now everything feels like shit. If everything sounds confusing it is, but after you know everything you'll understand.