The Other V

The other V told me that R was an ass for what she did.  Weirdly I’m still friends with R, I don’t know if I want revenge or I just want a friend… I’m not sure.  I’m not a good guy anymore.  The part of me that cared about women and that wanted to make them happy is dead.  I can’t tell you how many women have told they just wanted a sweet nice guy, all of those women were on dates with me.  I’ve lost count and can’t even tell you how many dates I’ve been on.  It’s hard looking at a picture of R, with out almost breaking down.  J made me go on my dating hiatus and I didn’t touch it again till two months ago, R put me back there.  I’m not through with sex, but the thought of a relationship ever happening to me again is gone.  It’s not realistic to think theres someone for me.  Some people are just meant to be alone.  It took me a year to get over not dating last time and another year to let it get easier and the third for me to be strong.  I’m still going to focus on work and trying to enjoy what I can of a normal life.  It hurts what R did to me was cruel and I’ll never forget it.  Maybe I’ll get even one day and maybe thats why I’m trying to still be friends with her.  I know I’m good enough to talk with like 10 hours a day via texting and to hang out with and have dinner, but I’m not good enough to be her boyfriend.  I’m slowly accepting it and learning not to open myself like that again, it just hurts too much to risk it again.  Every time it gets worse and the healing takes longer… you don’t need to heal if you don’t open yourself up.

Its true

Yeah so basically I ended up taking out a girl that already had a bf.  Life’s great!  Yeah theres going to be lots of drinking to get me through this.

So Tired

I’m so tired that writing for the most part is unbareable and my head just hurts.  I just wish someone would love me.  I feel like the bad boy always gets the girl, cause let’s face it movies are fake… the good guy never gets the girl.  Part of me is really unhappy that the whole dream of me and R is over.  I hurt and feel crappy.  I really just want to pack a bag and leave town never to come back, but I know I can’t do that… yet.  From now on I’m doing things differently, I know what I need to do in order to be happy and I’m going to do whatever it takes so that I don’t have to feel like this again.  At least for a couple of weeks I felt normal, but it was just an illusion the things I’ve seen and done… I can never be normal.  Hiding my past from people while difficult is required for people to think I’m just like them.  I thought R would be the person I could be honest with and tell everything to, but I was wrong.  Looks are everything it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a good personality, its looks that get you laid.  I think I am the bad boy now, I can’t risk ever feeling like this again.

Yeah I lost R

I know that I’m reading into it a bit, but I’m pretty sure my chances of being anything other than friends with R are pretty much set in stone.  A few days ago I noticed R hid her relationship status from everybody and then I was looking through a friend of hers and saw he had set it to a relationship with R.  I guess a week and half earlier when she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship… it was more just cause it was me.  I guess I knew this was coming, I do feel like a loser.  I guess this means my 5 year thing into being alone and getting my life straightened out has begun and its sucks.  I never get the girl so I don’t know what I was expecting, hell I don’t even get to have a crappy dead end relationship.  Yeah the person who said theres somebody for everyone obviously never met me.  Sure I know that looks mean everything even though people don’t say it, but its good that I have finally accepted it.  It’s just tough being alone and feeling alone.  The worst part is that I’m going to get reminded of how shes in this relationship every time we talk, so it’s a constant reminder to me.  I know I know, you’re thinking its her loss; but I lose a lot, so for me it’s constant. 

You Wouldn’t Believe

I guess the going and back forth is weird… it is for me.  I don’t know what me and R are… at minimum were friends.  We just spent like 12 hours texting each other back and forth.  When we text it’s pretty normal for it to go this long.  I think we’re somewhere between friends and having a formal relationship. It’s complicated.  Also she use to have “In a relationship” on her facebook page, which she said was cause people ask her if she's single the whole time.  I know.   It could be that she's ready for a relationship with someone… just not me.  It’ll hurt if she doesn’t want a relationship with me.  Having her as a friend is nice and I don’t want to think about us not being friends.  Okay, I know I won’t take it well if she starts dating some guy that's not me.  “I’m there for you”, cryptic okay not in the obvious sense, but doesn’t it mean more.  It was a good conversation we had, the question is that will there be more.