The Other V

The other V told me that R was an ass for what she did.  Weirdly I’m still friends with R, I don’t know if I want revenge or I just want a friend… I’m not sure.  I’m not a good guy anymore.  The part of me that cared about women and that wanted to make them happy is dead.  I can’t tell you how many women have told they just wanted a sweet nice guy, all of those women were on dates with me.  I’ve lost count and can’t even tell you how many dates I’ve been on.  It’s hard looking at a picture of R, with out almost breaking down.  J made me go on my dating hiatus and I didn’t touch it again till two months ago, R put me back there.  I’m not through with sex, but the thought of a relationship ever happening to me again is gone.  It’s not realistic to think theres someone for me.  Some people are just meant to be alone.  It took me a year to get over not dating last time and another year to let it get easier and the third for me to be strong.  I’m still going to focus on work and trying to enjoy what I can of a normal life.  It hurts what R did to me was cruel and I’ll never forget it.  Maybe I’ll get even one day and maybe thats why I’m trying to still be friends with her.  I know I’m good enough to talk with like 10 hours a day via texting and to hang out with and have dinner, but I’m not good enough to be her boyfriend.  I’m slowly accepting it and learning not to open myself like that again, it just hurts too much to risk it again.  Every time it gets worse and the healing takes longer… you don’t need to heal if you don’t open yourself up.