Very Close

So I've been catching up on posts for stuff I had partially written and other stuff that I just made tiny notes to. Since I've noticed that my lack of personal posting seems to be affecting my work I've been trying to catch up and get an official site launched. I've got one partially setup and I'm uploading stuff... so I expect to be up and running in a like a couple of days.

Long Time

I know I haven't been posting much but with what I do for a living and the craptasicle things that happen in my life; I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue writing this blog. With the people I know and what I do, I have to remain secret about all of this, hence using nicknames like R and having a secret identity. When I write I feel better about everything and judging from the hits a lot of you out there seem to enjoy my tales too. Yeah it feels good to know that I can entertain someone and maybe even help someone out there by writing about my life. The things I write here I would never tell anyone I know, and would be ashamed if they found out. I've got a few very long posts sitting on my computer that are almost ready to go. I've been thinking about getting a more permanent site, somewhere where I can say what I what without having to have an adult warning for my page. I've been meaning to do it for weeks, hence me not writing here for a while; but I'm going to do it today or tomorrow (most likely the later).

The Other V

The other V told me that R was an ass for what she did.  Weirdly I’m still friends with R, I don’t know if I want revenge or I just want a friend… I’m not sure.  I’m not a good guy anymore.  The part of me that cared about women and that wanted to make them happy is dead.  I can’t tell you how many women have told they just wanted a sweet nice guy, all of those women were on dates with me.  I’ve lost count and can’t even tell you how many dates I’ve been on.  It’s hard looking at a picture of R, with out almost breaking down.  J made me go on my dating hiatus and I didn’t touch it again till two months ago, R put me back there.  I’m not through with sex, but the thought of a relationship ever happening to me again is gone.  It’s not realistic to think theres someone for me.  Some people are just meant to be alone.  It took me a year to get over not dating last time and another year to let it get easier and the third for me to be strong.  I’m still going to focus on work and trying to enjoy what I can of a normal life.  It hurts what R did to me was cruel and I’ll never forget it.  Maybe I’ll get even one day and maybe thats why I’m trying to still be friends with her.  I know I’m good enough to talk with like 10 hours a day via texting and to hang out with and have dinner, but I’m not good enough to be her boyfriend.  I’m slowly accepting it and learning not to open myself like that again, it just hurts too much to risk it again.  Every time it gets worse and the healing takes longer… you don’t need to heal if you don’t open yourself up.

Its true

Yeah so basically I ended up taking out a girl that already had a bf.  Life’s great!  Yeah theres going to be lots of drinking to get me through this.

So Tired

I’m so tired that writing for the most part is unbareable and my head just hurts.  I just wish someone would love me.  I feel like the bad boy always gets the girl, cause let’s face it movies are fake… the good guy never gets the girl.  Part of me is really unhappy that the whole dream of me and R is over.  I hurt and feel crappy.  I really just want to pack a bag and leave town never to come back, but I know I can’t do that… yet.  From now on I’m doing things differently, I know what I need to do in order to be happy and I’m going to do whatever it takes so that I don’t have to feel like this again.  At least for a couple of weeks I felt normal, but it was just an illusion the things I’ve seen and done… I can never be normal.  Hiding my past from people while difficult is required for people to think I’m just like them.  I thought R would be the person I could be honest with and tell everything to, but I was wrong.  Looks are everything it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a good personality, its looks that get you laid.  I think I am the bad boy now, I can’t risk ever feeling like this again.

Yeah I lost R

I know that I’m reading into it a bit, but I’m pretty sure my chances of being anything other than friends with R are pretty much set in stone.  A few days ago I noticed R hid her relationship status from everybody and then I was looking through a friend of hers and saw he had set it to a relationship with R.  I guess a week and half earlier when she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship… it was more just cause it was me.  I guess I knew this was coming, I do feel like a loser.  I guess this means my 5 year thing into being alone and getting my life straightened out has begun and its sucks.  I never get the girl so I don’t know what I was expecting, hell I don’t even get to have a crappy dead end relationship.  Yeah the person who said theres somebody for everyone obviously never met me.  Sure I know that looks mean everything even though people don’t say it, but its good that I have finally accepted it.  It’s just tough being alone and feeling alone.  The worst part is that I’m going to get reminded of how shes in this relationship every time we talk, so it’s a constant reminder to me.  I know I know, you’re thinking its her loss; but I lose a lot, so for me it’s constant. 

You Wouldn’t Believe

I guess the going and back forth is weird… it is for me.  I don’t know what me and R are… at minimum were friends.  We just spent like 12 hours texting each other back and forth.  When we text it’s pretty normal for it to go this long.  I think we’re somewhere between friends and having a formal relationship. It’s complicated.  Also she use to have “In a relationship” on her facebook page, which she said was cause people ask her if she's single the whole time.  I know.   It could be that she's ready for a relationship with someone… just not me.  It’ll hurt if she doesn’t want a relationship with me.  Having her as a friend is nice and I don’t want to think about us not being friends.  Okay, I know I won’t take it well if she starts dating some guy that's not me.  “I’m there for you”, cryptic okay not in the obvious sense, but doesn’t it mean more.  It was a good conversation we had, the question is that will there be more.

Eye of the Storm

So I managed to go a few hours without texting R and it was hard.  Finally I tweeted something and she replied back, I think to open the lines of communication.  So I watching Vampire Diaries (my own little minimarathon) and this song came on by Barcelona, and I just couldn’t help myself.  So I texted her and she replied back that she was on the phone.  Even though I’m toying with the idea of getting over her and moving on; while trying to accept her friendship at the same time.  I just know I’m going to get this whole I’ve got a boyfriend now or I’ve got a date thing… I just know it’s going to make me crash hard when I hear it.  I guess the simultaneous silent treatment, was to keep me out of the loop so it’s easier for her to break the news to me.  I know it will happen, its just a matter of when.  I guess its just hard to accept that even though I had this feeling that R was special, she was just special in the “its the last straw” way; the type of even that changes me as a person.  This time I’m sure that a good 5 years will be good for me; it’s tough don’t get me wrong, but it’s what I need to do, so.  I’ve never had anyone tell me that they loved me before and I really hoped R might be the first person to actually say it and mean it.  Sigh….

 

Update: 12:56 (yeah not long)

So like 10 minutes ago she tweeted some guy, but no couldn’t txt me back, oh no!  Yeah I feel inspired to do something just for me tomorrow.  Let the healing process and getting over R to begin….

I Know

Its taken me almost 25 years, but I now know how the world works.  The one thing I learned from C was that what women need and men need are very different things.  Men require visuals, they need to have a partner who stimulates them and if they don’t it just can’t work.  Women just need a penis, plain and simple.  Even though C hurt me like she did I learned that important lesson; that a bad boy isn’t born, he’s made.  Women turn good guys into bad boys and now I think I’m way past it to keep myself all good; when I know the bad boys get what they want, when good guys only get to dream about wanting and never receiving.  Then I met R and we were perfect for each other; I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone that I have more in common with ever again.  I’m not saying that I will never fall in love again or that I won’t get married; it’s just that I doubt I will ever find someone that I could connect with like her again.  For days I’ve been sad about it, battling back and forth in my head if she could ever love me.  I know now that the world is much more complex than that, I don't think she can.  I was mad and angry, how two people so much like each other as we were could not be together, but now I know.  I know now that it doesn’t matter how much you have in common with someone, if one person isn’t sexually attracted to the other it doesn’t matter.  I know it sounds vain, but' it’s the truth.  I can’t blame her for the way her mind works, I doubt I could do myself what I expect her to do.  I’ve tried to lose weight and get more toned in the past, but it never worked because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  I was doing it for other people and not myself; now I’m doing it for myself, and while it’s hard I know it’s worth it.  The world opens up for pretty people, and while I’m charming and smart; my looks could use some work.  I never imagined this is how I could view the world or that this is how I’d feel at this point in my life.  The secret to succeeding is accepting that even though the world shouldn’t be like this is, it is; looks do matter.  If I had improved myself a year ago, maybe R and I would have a chance to get to know each other like we should and we could be together.  But I didn’t, so I’ve got to accept losing what right now feels like the best woman who’s ever come into my life.  It’s hard and it’s not fun looking at the world like this, but the sooner I do, the sooner I can start living a normal life.  There's a lot of things that I want to do before I start dating again one day.  I want to work on my career and my living situation, and I want more friends, friends that are local at least.  Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll try again when I’ve worked on things and done all that I could.  Sure I could try and find someone that would accept me for who I am flaws and all, but I doubt that person would make me happy.  I guess that I’m vain too, it’s not something that I’m proud of or that I want to talk about; but we have one life and I want to be happy, as happy as I can possibly be.

Enough is Finally Enough

Even though R wanted to be friends it just felt like when we were chatting that she wasn’t quite sure.  I know I have trust issues and I’m working on that, but I just don’t feel something is right.  We txt all day long back and forth, and she calls me obsessed with her on facebook.  She makes tons of dirty jokes, but the past day or so she hasn’t liked them when I did them.  She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but had this thing about being a good lover on her profile and I make a joke and she says it wasn’t meant for me.  Relationships just aren’t for me, being single is way easier.  I mean getting hurt when you have feelings for someone is like the worst pain ever and for me thats all I get.  I never get the normal stable relationships, I get crazy crazy unstable ones.  I don’t care if shes joking I know that from some of her posts that shes trying to impress someone and it’s clearly not me.  Yet when can txt each other all day long and thats fun; but commenting on facebook pages, oh yeah thats way too public.  I guess its for the best, I really liked her though.  I have horrible taste in women its like I find the ones who will do the most damage to me mentally.  I took a few years off, but the hell I’ve been through the past month and half… I don’t mind waiting another 5 years.  Maybe once I get my life more stable and move some place that I like I’ll reconsider things.  Dating period just isn’t worth it all.

Like I’ve said before the good guy never gets the girl is true.  I know women say they want a good guy, but then why do they continually date bad guys?  Good guys like me for the most part never stay that way, because after getting treated badly over and over again… eventually they become bad guys.  Personally I think I’m so close that if I wasn’t taking an hiatus from dating, I would surely become one.  I always knew that R was important where we ended up having a relationship or not; I just prayed that we did.  After her comments on facebook I truly am free, she humiliated me in front of her friends.  So even if we had a relationship, they’d always remember that she basically called me a loser.  She’s going a way for a day, but I’m sure she’ll txt me and will act like nothing happened or maybe thinking I’ve forgotten.  So basically I’m not good enough to be in a relationship with or having me comment and post on stuff on facebook; but apparently it’s okay we we txt each other from the time we get up in the morning till one of us goes to sleep.  I sure do know how to pick them. 

The bright side is that I now don’t need to feel guilty or wonder what if I had done stuff differently, causing not having contact with her can only be a good thing.

R and the IDEA

I should mention my new R isn’t the old R I was talking about.  I thought that maybe I could quit blogging altogether not only on here, but in my professional life too.  I realized that was a very stupid idea, since I’ve tried that before and it clearly doesn’t work.  R is knows about my horrible track record and I think shes trying to give me an illusion that I might have a chance.  At first I was so mad at the idea, but then I thought about it and realized that no ones really every thought about my feelings that much.  I had one of those crying days the other day when I realized it, but then I felt better really quickly.  Which made me think maybe I wasn’t in love with her, but with the idea of being in love.  She and I are just alike, we even tend to know what the other person is thinking.  I knew that R would change my life no matter what happened, and now I know she has even if it’s not how I really wanted her to.  In the past I always wanted to lose a little weight and get really defined muscles, I always ended up quitting cause I lost interest, cause I was never doing it for myself but for others.  So for the past week I’ve been working hard and I love how it feels.  Yeah not being able to eat what I want anymore sucks, but the feeling of feeling good is worth it.  I feel like I’ve lost a little weight and I’ve got a long way to go before I’ve got serious defined tone… but it will happen.  For the first time I feel like it will happen cause I know I’m doing it for myself and not for some else.  I think that's the secret you actually have to want cause if you don’t it will never happen.  I know that if I had already done this I’d prolly be with R.  I know people like to think the world doesn’t base people on their looks, but it’s stupid to think like that… cause they do.  People who realize it and accept can excel because they know it… it’s the secret.  So R has changed my life, which I’m grateful for.  What I don’t like is the thought of her shacking up with a  guy when she said a week ago that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.  Part of me wants to walk away since it would be easier and it would be.  But having a good friend is such a rare commodity, so I don’t think I can afford to.  I did think about the possibility of her setting me up with one of her friends.  Yeah, but then I realized that maybe I shouldn’t date; cause it’s been really hard one me and having to take a another rejection so soon after receiving two would just result in too much pain.  I’ve been thinking about taking a 5 leave of absence.  Work on my life and my career; so that I can afford to invest myself fully into something.  Life sucks its just what you do with what you got that makes the difference.  So I’m expecting R to either hide her relationship or actually take the time to tell me.  Either she's a big tease and she’s really into me (which I don’t expect really) or she's moved on (which is most likely).  It’s hard to stomach that someone who you have so much in common and can literally talk all day with would rather be with someone who they have nothing in common with, but the sex is great.  I’m mad, but at the same time how can I be when if the situation was reversed I might do the same thing.  I’m not sure if I’m mad at her or mad at myself for not being in her good position.

The Truth Part Deux

I never tell my mom who I’m dating or at least I try not to.  Every girl that I’ve ever told her about (which is all of them) the relationship has always ended in flames.  Plus when I go out she acts like I’m stabbing her in the back, which always leads to a fight.  I know that she was sick and knocking on deaths door; I gave up my youth taking care of her… which is probably why my relationships end so badly to begin with.  I never got to do the things most people my age got to do; which I thought I was okay with, but I’m really not.  I guess I blame her for that even thought it was my choice to basically put my life on hold and with the circumstances I’m sure most people wouldn’t have done.  Even if I could have a relationship my mom would try to stop it.  I try to defend my self and the idea of trying to have a life, but then I’m just in a bad mood then.  I don’t get to hear from my mom that shes happy for me and that I’m okay and everything.  When my dates turn sour like all of them do, then I’m quiet cause of my mom moving my senior of high school I still don’t have many friends to tell it to.  I’m rambling.  I wanted to take care of my mom and make sure she’s looked after.  Now I see that I can’t.  I’m still going to make sure shes taken care of, but I don’t think I can have her living in the same house as me.  I want to have a girl come over and I can’t because my mom likes to wear her bathrobe (it was even like that as a child and not to mention she doesn’t know how to clean) all the time.  I guess with my mom living me any relationship was going to end badly.  I had this feeling that R was going to be an important milestone in my life… just not in the way I expected.  It’s almost been six years since I had some tell me that they love me, and even then she didn’t really mean it.  I know I’m starved for love and that the last thing I want is a booty call.  Maybe I’m always going to suck at dating if I ever start again, but for now at least I can’t do it anymore.  Last time I took 3 years off and this time it’s going to 5.  I got real good at walking into a store and not flirting and just being invisible.  The truth is that where I lived before I thought I was lonely, but I was never really alone till I lived here.  At the end of the day I just wanted somebody to love me… now I know that’s not going to happen, so I quit.

Another One Bites The Dust

I’ve said before that I was done with dating, but this time it is for good.  So I won’t go into the long story of R, but she was the first girl I actually loved (for a very short time) since T.  She knew how damaged I was and what horrible experiences I have had in the past, but she at least let me done gently by giving me the friend speech.  We went on two sort of dates and well I should have figured it was over when she didn’t want to schedule the next right way.  I mean she a lot of friends but, tonight I got it.  It hurts, not as bad as she could of made it; but still it very much does.  I said this morning that if this one didn’t end well that I would stop dating… and it’s official now.  I’m going to focus on myself and my career.  With moving to someplace thats nice and starting over.  What I did realize that I’ve got serious mother issues and that I always have had them, and that I need to work through them before I can move on.  I’ve always wanted sixpack abs and a nice body and I’m going to take the time to work on that.  I’m going to write and figure out what I want.  I’ve never really had what a person would call a normal relationship and at this point if I haven’t have even had that I doubt I ever really will.  The truth is, is that I’m a good guy, and good guys always finish last.  Which I think is the reason why I’ll never have what I see on the tv or movies as a normal relationship… I guess maybe I’m actually okay with that.  I know any woman reading this will probably think that I would love to have a guy treat me right; but you really don’t, if you did thats what you’d be dating and getting married to.  Being a jackass in relationships will get you everything you body desires; as for me the good guy, well I’m lucky if I don’t get stepped on.  I know I could try again and that dating is hard; but my life has way too many unknowns for me to be gambling away what little time and money I have.  Maybe a having a relationship just isn’t in the cards.

Ran into C

I found C working at the market, the market happens to be not so far from where she lives.  She was at  a desk and I had something to return and I just stared for what felt like hours.  Honest I didn’t recognize her at first, it wasn’t till I made it to the garbage bag aisle that it clicked… it was C.  We didn’t say high and I’m sure I looked like I didn’t remember her, but she looked like she remembered me.  Complicated I know.  Did you ever get the feeling that something was coming?  Something big and you knew it, but you couldn’t put your finger on it… VARGEN!