The Truth Part Deux

I never tell my mom who I’m dating or at least I try not to.  Every girl that I’ve ever told her about (which is all of them) the relationship has always ended in flames.  Plus when I go out she acts like I’m stabbing her in the back, which always leads to a fight.  I know that she was sick and knocking on deaths door; I gave up my youth taking care of her… which is probably why my relationships end so badly to begin with.  I never got to do the things most people my age got to do; which I thought I was okay with, but I’m really not.  I guess I blame her for that even thought it was my choice to basically put my life on hold and with the circumstances I’m sure most people wouldn’t have done.  Even if I could have a relationship my mom would try to stop it.  I try to defend my self and the idea of trying to have a life, but then I’m just in a bad mood then.  I don’t get to hear from my mom that shes happy for me and that I’m okay and everything.  When my dates turn sour like all of them do, then I’m quiet cause of my mom moving my senior of high school I still don’t have many friends to tell it to.  I’m rambling.  I wanted to take care of my mom and make sure she’s looked after.  Now I see that I can’t.  I’m still going to make sure shes taken care of, but I don’t think I can have her living in the same house as me.  I want to have a girl come over and I can’t because my mom likes to wear her bathrobe (it was even like that as a child and not to mention she doesn’t know how to clean) all the time.  I guess with my mom living me any relationship was going to end badly.  I had this feeling that R was going to be an important milestone in my life… just not in the way I expected.  It’s almost been six years since I had some tell me that they love me, and even then she didn’t really mean it.  I know I’m starved for love and that the last thing I want is a booty call.  Maybe I’m always going to suck at dating if I ever start again, but for now at least I can’t do it anymore.  Last time I took 3 years off and this time it’s going to 5.  I got real good at walking into a store and not flirting and just being invisible.  The truth is that where I lived before I thought I was lonely, but I was never really alone till I lived here.  At the end of the day I just wanted somebody to love me… now I know that’s not going to happen, so I quit.