R and the IDEA

I should mention my new R isn’t the old R I was talking about.  I thought that maybe I could quit blogging altogether not only on here, but in my professional life too.  I realized that was a very stupid idea, since I’ve tried that before and it clearly doesn’t work.  R is knows about my horrible track record and I think shes trying to give me an illusion that I might have a chance.  At first I was so mad at the idea, but then I thought about it and realized that no ones really every thought about my feelings that much.  I had one of those crying days the other day when I realized it, but then I felt better really quickly.  Which made me think maybe I wasn’t in love with her, but with the idea of being in love.  She and I are just alike, we even tend to know what the other person is thinking.  I knew that R would change my life no matter what happened, and now I know she has even if it’s not how I really wanted her to.  In the past I always wanted to lose a little weight and get really defined muscles, I always ended up quitting cause I lost interest, cause I was never doing it for myself but for others.  So for the past week I’ve been working hard and I love how it feels.  Yeah not being able to eat what I want anymore sucks, but the feeling of feeling good is worth it.  I feel like I’ve lost a little weight and I’ve got a long way to go before I’ve got serious defined tone… but it will happen.  For the first time I feel like it will happen cause I know I’m doing it for myself and not for some else.  I think that's the secret you actually have to want cause if you don’t it will never happen.  I know that if I had already done this I’d prolly be with R.  I know people like to think the world doesn’t base people on their looks, but it’s stupid to think like that… cause they do.  People who realize it and accept can excel because they know it… it’s the secret.  So R has changed my life, which I’m grateful for.  What I don’t like is the thought of her shacking up with a  guy when she said a week ago that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.  Part of me wants to walk away since it would be easier and it would be.  But having a good friend is such a rare commodity, so I don’t think I can afford to.  I did think about the possibility of her setting me up with one of her friends.  Yeah, but then I realized that maybe I shouldn’t date; cause it’s been really hard one me and having to take a another rejection so soon after receiving two would just result in too much pain.  I’ve been thinking about taking a 5 leave of absence.  Work on my life and my career; so that I can afford to invest myself fully into something.  Life sucks its just what you do with what you got that makes the difference.  So I’m expecting R to either hide her relationship or actually take the time to tell me.  Either she's a big tease and she’s really into me (which I don’t expect really) or she's moved on (which is most likely).  It’s hard to stomach that someone who you have so much in common and can literally talk all day with would rather be with someone who they have nothing in common with, but the sex is great.  I’m mad, but at the same time how can I be when if the situation was reversed I might do the same thing.  I’m not sure if I’m mad at her or mad at myself for not being in her good position.