I Know

Its taken me almost 25 years, but I now know how the world works.  The one thing I learned from C was that what women need and men need are very different things.  Men require visuals, they need to have a partner who stimulates them and if they don’t it just can’t work.  Women just need a penis, plain and simple.  Even though C hurt me like she did I learned that important lesson; that a bad boy isn’t born, he’s made.  Women turn good guys into bad boys and now I think I’m way past it to keep myself all good; when I know the bad boys get what they want, when good guys only get to dream about wanting and never receiving.  Then I met R and we were perfect for each other; I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone that I have more in common with ever again.  I’m not saying that I will never fall in love again or that I won’t get married; it’s just that I doubt I will ever find someone that I could connect with like her again.  For days I’ve been sad about it, battling back and forth in my head if she could ever love me.  I know now that the world is much more complex than that, I don't think she can.  I was mad and angry, how two people so much like each other as we were could not be together, but now I know.  I know now that it doesn’t matter how much you have in common with someone, if one person isn’t sexually attracted to the other it doesn’t matter.  I know it sounds vain, but' it’s the truth.  I can’t blame her for the way her mind works, I doubt I could do myself what I expect her to do.  I’ve tried to lose weight and get more toned in the past, but it never worked because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.  I was doing it for other people and not myself; now I’m doing it for myself, and while it’s hard I know it’s worth it.  The world opens up for pretty people, and while I’m charming and smart; my looks could use some work.  I never imagined this is how I could view the world or that this is how I’d feel at this point in my life.  The secret to succeeding is accepting that even though the world shouldn’t be like this is, it is; looks do matter.  If I had improved myself a year ago, maybe R and I would have a chance to get to know each other like we should and we could be together.  But I didn’t, so I’ve got to accept losing what right now feels like the best woman who’s ever come into my life.  It’s hard and it’s not fun looking at the world like this, but the sooner I do, the sooner I can start living a normal life.  There's a lot of things that I want to do before I start dating again one day.  I want to work on my career and my living situation, and I want more friends, friends that are local at least.  Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll try again when I’ve worked on things and done all that I could.  Sure I could try and find someone that would accept me for who I am flaws and all, but I doubt that person would make me happy.  I guess that I’m vain too, it’s not something that I’m proud of or that I want to talk about; but we have one life and I want to be happy, as happy as I can possibly be.