More Explaining

See I’ve been poor and hungry before, and my freelancing pays most of the bills.  Climbing up from the bottom is tough and I’ve had to sacrifice things alone the way.  I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that my mom hasn’t changed after everything that’s happened.  When I was a kid I always assumed that she was like me and planned everything out and that she had a backup for when things went wrong, I remember when we moved my senior of high school and thinking things would be better.  Then I had to drop out of college cause we didn’t have enough money, it was one of many times I would drop out for various things.  I ate macaroni and cheese cause thats what I could afford.  You always expect your parents to look out for you or least take care of themselves.  My story is very complicated to say the least, but I was hoping that I didn’t have to bail her out.  Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to enjoy Christmas, I mean there’s too many bad memories attached that everytime I see a tree or hear Christmas music I’m just going to get reminded of the bad times.  One day I’ll be married and have kids, and I’ll have to learn how to fake being happy at the holidays.  Things with C I think worked out for the best, I’ve got way too many problems to even entertain a relationship for a long time.  I need to focus on work, and maybe one day I’ll be able to focus on me.  I had to give up my youth and not do the things most people my age have done just so I could stay alive or keep food on the table.  I know complaining doesn’t help and what’s done is done, but I have issues.  I never went to any of my high school proms, not because I couldn’t have gotten a date (11th grade I couldn’t have gotten one, but maybe 12th), but mainly because I could afford to rent a tux.  I never went on a senior trip, or went to spring break.  Now I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m expected to be a serious adult that wants to settle down.  I never had a chance to wild and crazy, and settling down would just be admitting that I lose and I let it beat me.  I wanted to be young and carefree and what I got was to grow up really fast and act like an adult.  I know people, other people have it rough too.  I didn’t have the money to go out on my 21st birthday drinking and get wasted.  I didn’t have the money to blow on expensive drinks that I could make cheaper at home and money for a cab ride home and one to go pick up my car; well that was out of the question.  It’s not that life is hard, it’s that I missed out things that even people with crappy lives get to have.  I guess the whole money issue is just the tip of a much bigger problem.  I’m not happy where I live and I want to move.  I have some business plans that could work, but it’s hard to get motivated when you’ve got other problems on your mind.  I have to be a full time student, work, and run a household.  It would be one thing if I didn’t have to take care of my mom, but I can’t even take a girl back to my place; because my mom will criticize and let’s face I don’t want to have sex if I know she’ll hear it.  Basically I have to sacrifice my life to keep hers running and sometimes it’s hard.