Chasing Class

So I didn’t go to class today and I was terrified and having multiple panic attacks.  I watched a lot of Burn Notice and I can always watch that, it makes me feel good.  Then I talked with my mom for a few hours about going back to school tomorrow and trying to fix the fact that I haven’t been to class for a month because I was sick.  Afterwards I felt better and maybe I’m still a bit jumpy.  Then I started to watch last night’s Being Erica and it felt like the episode was calling out to me.  I’ve always been in love with “Being Erica” cause it’s like sci-fi and the star Erin Karplunk is just so hot.  Plus afterwards you feel like you learned an important life lesson, but it’s not like screaming in your face.  Over the past two seasons I’ve rewatched the episodes over and over again, and I feel like it has helped… I feel like being honest about my problems and blogging about them has helped (being anonymous helps too!)  Last night’s episode was about her and school and her learning that she has basically made decisions her whole life that made other people happy and putting her happiness second.  Plus the whole starting a business thing, that just echoes my life into levels of weirdness I can’t even begin to describe.  I just feel better now, I love when a show is so well written that it leaves you feeling good.  The 20th is going to be hard, it’s when I was suppose to meet C’s family and go caroling.  Yeah I’m sad about it, and maybe a bit paranoid.  I guess what I’m mad is that I don’t know what C was thinking and that C’s ex planned to stay there for a couple of weeks and leave again.  I guess that if I got a chance to do it over with L or T, I might make the same bad decision.  Maybe the whole thing was a test from God that I’m suppose to learn something about myself and not to look back like I normally do everyday.  I will say that I feel better now about the whole C thing and maybe that’s what was suppose to happen.  Sure we talked for a few days but it was really a one night stand.  It was painful, but I think maybe I can close off that part of my life now and maybe for the first time I can look forward.  Don’t get me wrong I’m still lonely, I’ve got school to worry about, and the future of my writing is still up in the air.  Oh, I almost forget I’m planning on taking a semester off so I can get my whole asthma thing straight and get my backup business plans setup correctly.  For me school has been at least for the past 5 years a backup plan; if it all goes to hell, I’ve got school.  So I need to finish, but I need to make sure I’m ready and that I’m calm and that I’ve got my head in the game.  I’ve tried to go to school before and failed for one reason or another, so it’s important that I can make school a priority for a change, instead of an afterthought.  Every time I write a post whether it’s a sentence or a page long, I feel better.  Even though I don’t expect many people to ever see this, if you’re unsure about something I highly recommend just starting up a blog and writing about whatever you want.  I know I’ve only been doing it for a while and sometimes I don’t write for weeks and then I write like 5 posts in a day; but I’m happier then I was before.  I’m almost sad that I didn’t start doing it earlier.  As for tomorrow I’m still scared, I don’t know how they are going to react, but the worst thing is if I get kicked out for not telling them I was sick and gone for so long; or they don’t give me the semester off, or I just plain flunk out cause I’ve been gone for so long.  It’s not like it’s the only school around and I want a semester off anyway and it’s the perfect time to put in an application for another school.  So I guess what I’m trying to tell myself is that even if it goes bad, it’s not the end of the world; and even if does go to hell, I can always start over.

 

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." (Albert Einstein)

This quote never meant so much to me… till now anyways.